That Timeless Lord's Prayer

Every so often, I start to get a little claustrophobic in my life. It feels like the walls are squeezing shut, and the simple things begin to get so hard to do. The dishes stay stacked for longer periods of time and the dirty clothes begin to way outnumber the clean ones and the dog smells absolutely horrible. When it gets really bad, that's when I get ridiculously impatient and expect my children to become mind readers. I will try to put things into perspective by counting my blessings more and more, which helps in the moment, but then I look up and the walls are coming closer again. That's when I tell my husband that I need to get away for a few hours.

Saturday was one of those days. But it wasn't easy. We had commitments and things to do for the holidays and it was going to take being intentional, which didn't happen. So, my "getting away" was rushing around Target, weaving in and out of people in the toy aisles, and then rushing to pick up the kids. I was irritated to say the least. And I let my husband know. (I don't hold thing in well at all.) I wasn't horrible to him, but I just was feeling a little bit like a door mat. Now, my husband does not treat me like a door mat AT ALL. The kids might at times, but we quickly set them straight. It's just that there is a lot to do when you stay at home and home school your boys. And then the holidays come and somehow all of the gift getting is mostly on your shoulders and so is teaching the children generosity so we need to finish making ornaments and baking cookies and those walls start zooming in. And it is not helpful at all when your two youngest get some highly contagious rashy virus that keeps you from seeing other people for almost 2 weeks. So, I share these things with my husband in a rather emotional way and feel him tense up over the phone and then the guilt sets in. On one hand, he needs to understand where I'm at and know how I feel, but on the other hand, my tone was too accusing and maybe I'm being selfish. So, Saturday afternoon, we reconvened and decide that he will make dinner and I will get away. The guilt was still there, because I want to just suck it up and be superwife/mom, but I know that the walls are going to keep coming at me, so I went.

I didn't even leave my street when I see someone who so needs love. Our sweet neighbor down the road was outside smoking. So, I pull in and talk to him and find out that he had back surgery last week. Oh dear. I've been too "busy" to stop and talk to him all week. (I don't know where I've been rushing off to, but I haven't stopped to talk to him since before Thanksgiving!) We talk and I invite him to dinner Christmas Eve and offer to come later in the week to change his sheets and take out his trash and then I make sure he has my number. I leave and think that I am selfish. I felt so refreshed from that one conversation. I don't need to be alone and leave my tired husband with our boys, I need to give. But I still go. There is a purpose (besides my sanity) to this trip. There are a couple of more presents to buy for some friends and relatives.

I go to Lowes and walk around a little in peace, and it is nice. Then I go to Toys R Us and find the last of the gifts on my list. I see people who look exhausted from shopping too long and see couples arguing and others laughing. I hear a lot of people exclaim "Oh, he'll love this!" I feel like an outsider watching some movie or something. I think I've spent 2 hours all December shopping for Christmas presents. So, all this to say, I loved being in the craziness and being able to smile at people and move out of the way and not get sucked into the rush of it all. I decide to finish up my evening with a bowl of soup at Panera so that I could have a cozy place to read. The soup was ok, but the book was great. I held back tears and loved that the author mentioned scripture that I just read. I felt so refreshed. I was driving home, anxious to get there before bedtime, and was grateful that my husband insisted that I go.

On the way home, I started thinking about why I seem to need this time every so often. Am I just a selfish person? It really seems like I thrive when I'm giving to others. Yes, but didn't I just post about how the doing comes from the being? Oh, nothing sticks. The walls start caving in when I stop spending real quality time with my Heavenly Dad. When I'm not quiet before God, I lose sight of who I am. I begin to believe that I am just a wife and mom. ("Just" haha). But before I am a wife or mom, I am a child of God. That's why the walls cave in. My days are spent with constant noise, chatter, even meaningful conversation. But not in prayer. Most of my time reading the Bible is interrupted by my fatigue, or siblings fighting, or a toddler waking up ready for breakfast. If I was going for a walk with my kids, I wouldn't have been able to just stand in my neighbor's yard talking to him, and I certainly wouldn't have pulled over if my van was full of our loud crew. If I was eating dinner at home or if we all went to Panera, I would not have gotten to read 2 whole chapters in a book. If I had, I don't know that I could've kept any of it straight or even realized the correlation with the scripture that I'm reading because I probably would've had a 2 yr old and a 4 yr old fighting over my lap. I don't know how many times I've felt guilty for trying to get away from my kids, but I'm beginning to think that maybe God is calling me away - just for a moment. Maybe He misses my undivided attention. Maybe there are ways that He can use just me instead of me and my crew. I am such a busy body that I focus more on Christ's example of healing and teaching and loving. But I tend to gloss over His example of praying.

In Matthew 6, Christ even tells us how to pray:
⁶ But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. ⁷ And when you pray, do not keep on babbling like pagans, for they think they will be heard because of their many words. ⁸ Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him.
   ⁹ “This, then, is how you should pray:
   ‘Our Father in heaven,
hallowed be your name,
¹⁰ your kingdom come,
your will be done,
   on earth as it is in heaven.
¹¹ Give us today our daily bread.
¹² And forgive us our debts,
   as we also have forgiven our debtors.
¹³ And lead us not into temptation,^[a]
   but deliver us from the evil one.^[b]’
Notice that it says "when you pray". Not if. Notice that it says to close the door. We are supposed to be alone with God, praying for Him to come in power, for His will to be done, for Him to supply our needs for the day, for forgiveness and deliverance from evil. I am trying to think about what my life would look like if I daily obeyed Jesus'  command to pray like this. Can you picture it? Your life being lived under the umbrella of God's power, will, provisions, forgiveness, and deliverance? Why is this so hard to do? Why do I make excuses to not do this? 

I think my "New Year's Resolution" or maybe my right now resolution is to make this kind of praying a priority. I think that if I do, then I won't expect my children and my husband to help to make me whole. It won't be up to my boys' behavior or my husband planning out a morning of nothingness for me to keep the walls from closing in. I think that if I pray like this - intentionally alone with my Heavenly Father, I will be able to see His power in my life in much more radical ways. And I think you will too.