Anxiety!

We got a letter in the mail the other day asking us to confirm that we will be starting our adoption classes, so I sent my email confirmation. A few days later, I received an email back confirming my confirmation. It was short and sweet, but it made me a little giddy and nervous and some other feeling that I just can't pinpoint. It's like a sad anxiousness. I think the email made it feel a little more real. We are really starting this process. We are really going to add a 4th child to this crazy mix. We really have a child out there waiting on us. We really will be responsible for raising and loving and molding and teaching 1 more human being. And there it is, that sad anxiousness. Sad because we really have a child somewhere waiting to feel that unconditional love that comes from a mom and a dad. I cannot even imagine the emotional struggles they have or the lies that Satan is just feeding him or her. And anxious because I doubt myself so much!

When you grow a baby in your womb and birth the baby and nurse the baby every 2 or 3 hours for a year and cuddle him close and swear to never let anything bad happen to him and give him the world and then the terrible twos hit and you get impatient or yell or aren't so kind when they misbehave, that's one thing. Not that it's ok to have those moments of not so great parenting. But you know that they know that they are loved and you know that they have never gone without and you know that they believe you when you tell them that you are sorry because you are broken and need God's grace just like they do. But when a child comes into your home filled with the lies that they were unwanted or not good enough or unloved or I don't even know what else, how does God's grace cover my imperfections? I mean, theologically I know that His grace does. I know that only His love heals any of our wounds and that it is only His grace that draws us to Him. But emotionally, I think that I am so unworthy to raise any of these children. What if I don't love well enough? What if I make the brokenness worse? What if I feed more lies to this child? Oh, doesn't this sound a little narcissistic? I know that I'm not the end all, but this is where I have such a hard time trusting God. See I know how many times I've had to get back up on the horse. I know how ugly and selfish I can be. But I also know how much my heart yearns for all children, especially my own - even the one(s) I haven't met. And so I'm left feeling anxious.

I started trying to think of scripture that would help me see that God is sufficient and that it's ok that I'm not perfect, but I couldn't even think of where to start. I've been reading through the Old Testament and how are Job, who is stuck in his self loathing (although I can't blame him), and Abraham, who keeps passing his wife off as his sister, and Lot, who fathers his grandchildren, going to teach me about how sufficient God is? I think that thought and it hits me because it's so obvious. Job was restored and healed. Abraham is the father of God's chosen people - the line that Christ came from! Lot was protected and rescued from the destruction of Sodom. And they all had some pretty major imperfections. But they loved God and sought God and God chose them. Yes, that is the key. I have been chosen by God. But not just chosen to go to heaven one day (which is amazing) or even just chosen to be loved and restored by my Heavenly Father (which I am so unworthy of), but I have been chosen to go and make disciples. I have been chosen to be the good Samaritan. I have been chosen to love my neighbor as myself. I have been chosen to work in Christ's amazing Kingdom and to be a part of His plans!

And it does not matter how many times I fail because I am just a lowly servant pointing these children to Christ. It will not be my love that will heal them and restore them and teach them about the stuff of eternity. It will be Christ who does all of that. There are so many unknowns. I don't know how to prepare or what to do. But I do know, from the wise words of Jill Briscoe, that the doing comes from the being. The only way I can do anything right, the only way I can love well and parent well and make my life point them to Christ is if I exist in Christ. Isn't that all any of us can really do?

When I start thinking about the "what if's" and how to deal with them in my own strength, I spiral. What will the sleeping arrangements be? How will we afford to modify our den into a bedroom? What if we find siblings? Will we have room for them? Are we supposed to be putting our energy into international adoption instead? Will all of my family treat our new child(ren) with as much love? Should I stop spanking all together? What if our adopted child doesn't want to be home schooled? Oh, and it can get crazier in my mind. But when I begin to realize that I serve a God who is ALL sufficient, who does not need me, but invites me to be a part of His work, I begin to walk in faith and to love a little more patiently and a little more kindly and a little more confidently because I am living out of Christ. And that is an amazing thing.