The chaos in these moments

Do you ever feel like your head is spinning and you just can't make any decisions? That's where we are at right now. All of the life changes have come to a sudden halt. We aren't planning on staying stopped, like deer in the headlights. At least I'm not. I don't even know what my husband is thinking at this moment. That's how much chaos we are living in right now. We haven't even finished a conversation about all of our life changing decisions that need to be made. Since I haven't written in a while or maybe you are new here, let me catch you up to speed. We decided to adopt. Then we started thinking about sending our oldest son, who we've been homeschooling for three years, to private school. And finally, I am leaving for Haiti in a week. That's all. I think this is going to be where I use my blog as my not so private therapy session. I hope you don't mind. :)

So, let's start with the one that's weighing heaviest on my heart: adoption. I literally feel like I am on this emotional see-saw. We decided to take adoption classes through the state, which would put us on the path to adopt domestically. Most of the children available are older, which means they have either been in the foster care system for a while, had a tragedy occur later in life, or abuse was not reported until they were older. All of these scenarios are heartbreaking. And honestly, we worry a little about how some of these scenarios might play out with our biological children. We know that we cannot go into adoption only thinking of the child we are adopting. That would be naive. I hate even thinking that because they are the ones who have such a great loss, but that is the truth of it all. So we have thought about looking into international adoption. We are not guaranteed to get a child with less baggage if we adopt internationally by any means. The heartbreak behind their stories are equally, well, heartbreaking. They likely have parents killed from AIDS or starvation or from violence, or they were tossed aside like garbage because of some slight imperfection or they were raised in an orphanage with thousands of others and treated like a number rather than a child. No, the baggage here would be just as great, but there is something about the American culture that is a little unsettling for us. Sorry if that's offensive, but we choose to fight the uphill battle against raising our children in this culture. So, we talked and prayed and thought that we should heavily consider international adoption. But then I looked on the website that gives the bios of the kids in our system and fell in love with a handful of them. I sat there crying and praying over these children. And then I read about how girls in America who are in foster care are easy targets for child trafficking and that the average age for a girl to enter into "prostitution", if you can even call it that when they are just kids, is 13. (Yep, I wanna puke just thinking of that.) And then there are the finances. We have been paycheck to paycheck for our whole marriage. And with 3 children and growing it feels irresponsible to choose the more expensive route. But then there are grants and fundraisers and so many options. So all that to say, we are standing here undecided, not making any decisions while our future child(ren) are sitting in some sort of foster home/orphanage somewhere.

Next up: sending my 10 year old to private school. I hate even considering not homeschooling. This is kind of funny for me to say since I always state that we take homeschooling one year at a time. But I've grown to love having all of our children at home. I know that before I know it they will be grown and busy with their own lives and our work in raising them will be done. Plus, it makes me feel free to do other things. Sounds weird, but when I spend all day teaching them and playing with them and feeding them and raising them, I don't have as much guilt going on a date night or sending my oldest off to stay the night with a friend or even going to Haiti for a week. (Ok, the last one is going to be super hard, but I can do it!) And I absolutely love the idea of my oldest helping to teach his younger brothers. I have this picture in my head of us all sitting around learning together under a tree in this education Utopia. And even though it may never look like that, I'm ok with the reality that we can at least all sit under a tree and eat lunch together on a Thursday afternoon. The thing is, my oldest is easily distracted. And my middle son is starting to learn his phonics and basic math and how to write. So, when we are in our homeschool room coloring or playing phonics games, my oldest has a hard time getting his work done. And we are constantly trying different scenarios, but the fact remains that our home is loud and he wants to be where the noise is. But then my oldest gets frustrated very easily with his 4 year old brother and I think that holding onto my image of our education Utopia might be at the expense of my 10 year old having a good relationship with anyone in our family. Plus, he is so smart and I do not think I have the time and energy to push him to reach his potential. Sure, he's learning more than he would in public school, but public school was never our standard. His best has been our standard. So, we visited this school and bit by bit I became more and more at peace with the idea of him going there, but then our finances became uncertain. I prayed and prayed during those talks with and visits to this school. It just seemed like doors were opening for this to happen, and now it does not feel wise with all the financial uncertainties facing us. So I'm wondering, at what point do we step out in faith and at what point do we wait? I don't want to be like the Israelites who went on their own to conquer the Canaanites and got slaughtered. (Am I being dramatic?) Well, basically I don't want to jump into something without it being God's will for our life. I'm all about taking leaps of faith, but only with God. So here we are again, standing still, waiting. There is the verse about Christ being the lamp unto my feet and the light unto my path. We set out on these journeys trusting that God will light our path. But I must say, the moments of waiting to see what direction to go are hard!

Last up: Haiti. Now, there's not much for me to figure out with going to Haiti. I'm going and am super excited and super nervous, but know it will be amazing. Prayers for this trip are very welcomed! There is a small team of us going - just 3 women from Lakeland and a couple of men from a church in Clermont, so please pray that we will accomplish what we need to accomplish. We will be working with the children in our sponsorship program, and the men will be assessing construction needs and taking care of some details from the December trip. Also, please pray for my husband and children and all of their awesome caregivers who are stepping in to help with them while I'm gone. Especially pray for everyone's sanity as my boys are rambunctious!

I am trying in the midst of these anxiety filled moments to just trust. I am trying to remember that I serve a faithful and good God. I do not consciously doubt that, but I have to fight the tendency to take the bull by the horns and make something happen. I've been making things work my whole life, so it is against my instinct to wait and listen for God's voice. I think that's maybe one of the battles with this culture. Our culture says plan, be responsible, plan some more, be productive. But God says follow me, wait for my mana and be content with what I give. I've been reading in the Old Testament about how the Israelites became discontent with the mana God had been faithfully providing while they were in the desert. So God sent meat for them, but it was followed by a plague for all those who ate the meat. I just wonder, am I craving God and therefore content with whatever He gives or do I want something other than God to fill me? I have always had a heart to help others, so adopting now or yesterday feels right. And my kids have always come first, so doing whatever it takes to do whatever is best for them has always been my resolve. But where I am being stretched is to simply follow Christ. Yes, Christ wants us to be his hands and feet. But more than that He wants us to get our strength and direction from Him. He wants to be our everything. There would be no point to the cross if we could pull ourselves up by our bootstraps and make this life work all on our own. So, that's where I'm at. How do I calm my mind and my busy schedule enough to hear God's voice right now? (This is not a rhetorical question!) How do you hear God's voice when life gets crazy and busy and overwhelming? I'd love the pointers!