"How sweet are your words to my taste, sweeter than honey to my mouth! I gain understanding from your precepts; therefore I hate every wrong path. Your word is a lamp for my feet, and a light on my path. I have taken an oath and confirmed it, that I will follow your righteous laws." - Psalm 119:103-106. These words have been the theme of this season in my life. It started with learning to love God's words. I am so grateful that I decided to dive into His word because now, I daily depend on it to light my path.
See, He lights my path at my feet - with a lamp. I don't get to see very far ahead. So, I depend on that light. I squint and try to see further, but right now, I can't. And that is so hard. It is so very tempting to get anxious and frustrated or to feel inadequate. I wish I could come up with some master plan that would guarantee our family's safety and well-being. But there is no plan. My husband's job is very uncertain right now. We have to take things day by day, week by week. There is never a guarantee that he will even get a paycheck at the end of the week, but there is always a guarantee that our bank account will be close to 0 by the end of the week. I've been looking for a part time job to try to help build some savings, but I haven't had a ton of luck. See, I have been a stay at home mom for almost 5 years. That, evidently, is even a hindrance when trying to work at Starbucks. To add to that, I am not planning on changing my stay at home, homeschooling status, so that greatly limits the type of job I can get. I think I found a job at a restaurant - waiting tables a couple of nights a week. I wouldn't usually be thrilled to get back into the restaurant business, but the thought of money in savings makes me ecstatic.
Now, the really difficult side of this financial uncertainty is that our adoption process has come to a screeching halt. We have not done our home-study yet, but wouldn't pass it if we had. We cannot show that we are able to financially provide for another child at this point. I read blogs and articles and look at websites about the needs in this world. There are children being taken from their homes in Africa, there are 14 year olds in China who are getting put out on the streets because they age out of the system that young. There are babies getting herded into mental hospitals in Russia. There are children in America going from foster home to foster home, never knowing what it's like to be loved unconditionally. And I have felt for at least a year now that we have a child somewhere in one of these circumstances. We have a home and we have love and we have support and we will always figure out a way to meet all of our children's needs, but our hands are tied because things are too up in the air. I understand the system and the reasons why we need to know where our next paycheck will come from, but that doesn't make my heart break any less. I absolutely get sick thinking of one of my children - maybe my little girl, or another son who desperately needs to have a dad teach him about becoming a man, or a child whose soul is dying - living in some horrible condition. And all I can do is pray. I pray for their conditions and their caretakers and their hearts. I pray that they will know that they are loved because they are a son or daughter of a great King who has laid down His life for them. And then I pray that my next step will be one closer to stability so that the step after that will be closer to our child(ren).
Yes, it is hard to squint hard and see nothing. It is hard to trust and have faith. But this season is giving me just that. Faith in a loving, nurturing God. Faith in my Father who has plans for me and my children " plans to prosper us and not to harm us, plans to give us hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11) It is giving me a faith that is deeper and stronger than I have ever had. And it's all because I have no choice but to take the next step with Christ and to cling to Him rather than to map out my own plan and do it on my own. I guess I could choose to fret and worry and get frustrated, but that would change nothing. So I cover the worry with prayers and cling to my faith in Christ. And that is a beautiful (and difficult) thing.
Showing posts with label adoption. Show all posts
Showing posts with label adoption. Show all posts
Monday, May 7, 2012
Sunday, March 4, 2012
The chaos in these moments
Do you ever feel like your head is spinning and you just can't make any decisions? That's where we are at right now. All of the life changes have come to a sudden halt. We aren't planning on staying stopped, like deer in the headlights. At least I'm not. I don't even know what my husband is thinking at this moment. That's how much chaos we are living in right now. We haven't even finished a conversation about all of our life changing decisions that need to be made. Since I haven't written in a while or maybe you are new here, let me catch you up to speed. We decided to adopt. Then we started thinking about sending our oldest son, who we've been homeschooling for three years, to private school. And finally, I am leaving for Haiti in a week. That's all. I think this is going to be where I use my blog as my not so private therapy session. I hope you don't mind. :)
So, let's start with the one that's weighing heaviest on my heart: adoption. I literally feel like I am on this emotional see-saw. We decided to take adoption classes through the state, which would put us on the path to adopt domestically. Most of the children available are older, which means they have either been in the foster care system for a while, had a tragedy occur later in life, or abuse was not reported until they were older. All of these scenarios are heartbreaking. And honestly, we worry a little about how some of these scenarios might play out with our biological children. We know that we cannot go into adoption only thinking of the child we are adopting. That would be naive. I hate even thinking that because they are the ones who have such a great loss, but that is the truth of it all. So we have thought about looking into international adoption. We are not guaranteed to get a child with less baggage if we adopt internationally by any means. The heartbreak behind their stories are equally, well, heartbreaking. They likely have parents killed from AIDS or starvation or from violence, or they were tossed aside like garbage because of some slight imperfection or they were raised in an orphanage with thousands of others and treated like a number rather than a child. No, the baggage here would be just as great, but there is something about the American culture that is a little unsettling for us. Sorry if that's offensive, but we choose to fight the uphill battle against raising our children in this culture. So, we talked and prayed and thought that we should heavily consider international adoption. But then I looked on the website that gives the bios of the kids in our system and fell in love with a handful of them. I sat there crying and praying over these children. And then I read about how girls in America who are in foster care are easy targets for child trafficking and that the average age for a girl to enter into "prostitution", if you can even call it that when they are just kids, is 13. (Yep, I wanna puke just thinking of that.) And then there are the finances. We have been paycheck to paycheck for our whole marriage. And with 3 children and growing it feels irresponsible to choose the more expensive route. But then there are grants and fundraisers and so many options. So all that to say, we are standing here undecided, not making any decisions while our future child(ren) are sitting in some sort of foster home/orphanage somewhere.
Next up: sending my 10 year old to private school. I hate even considering not homeschooling. This is kind of funny for me to say since I always state that we take homeschooling one year at a time. But I've grown to love having all of our children at home. I know that before I know it they will be grown and busy with their own lives and our work in raising them will be done. Plus, it makes me feel free to do other things. Sounds weird, but when I spend all day teaching them and playing with them and feeding them and raising them, I don't have as much guilt going on a date night or sending my oldest off to stay the night with a friend or even going to Haiti for a week. (Ok, the last one is going to be super hard, but I can do it!) And I absolutely love the idea of my oldest helping to teach his younger brothers. I have this picture in my head of us all sitting around learning together under a tree in this education Utopia. And even though it may never look like that, I'm ok with the reality that we can at least all sit under a tree and eat lunch together on a Thursday afternoon. The thing is, my oldest is easily distracted. And my middle son is starting to learn his phonics and basic math and how to write. So, when we are in our homeschool room coloring or playing phonics games, my oldest has a hard time getting his work done. And we are constantly trying different scenarios, but the fact remains that our home is loud and he wants to be where the noise is. But then my oldest gets frustrated very easily with his 4 year old brother and I think that holding onto my image of our education Utopia might be at the expense of my 10 year old having a good relationship with anyone in our family. Plus, he is so smart and I do not think I have the time and energy to push him to reach his potential. Sure, he's learning more than he would in public school, but public school was never our standard. His best has been our standard. So, we visited this school and bit by bit I became more and more at peace with the idea of him going there, but then our finances became uncertain. I prayed and prayed during those talks with and visits to this school. It just seemed like doors were opening for this to happen, and now it does not feel wise with all the financial uncertainties facing us. So I'm wondering, at what point do we step out in faith and at what point do we wait? I don't want to be like the Israelites who went on their own to conquer the Canaanites and got slaughtered. (Am I being dramatic?) Well, basically I don't want to jump into something without it being God's will for our life. I'm all about taking leaps of faith, but only with God. So here we are again, standing still, waiting. There is the verse about Christ being the lamp unto my feet and the light unto my path. We set out on these journeys trusting that God will light our path. But I must say, the moments of waiting to see what direction to go are hard!
Last up: Haiti. Now, there's not much for me to figure out with going to Haiti. I'm going and am super excited and super nervous, but know it will be amazing. Prayers for this trip are very welcomed! There is a small team of us going - just 3 women from Lakeland and a couple of men from a church in Clermont, so please pray that we will accomplish what we need to accomplish. We will be working with the children in our sponsorship program, and the men will be assessing construction needs and taking care of some details from the December trip. Also, please pray for my husband and children and all of their awesome caregivers who are stepping in to help with them while I'm gone. Especially pray for everyone's sanity as my boys are rambunctious!
I am trying in the midst of these anxiety filled moments to just trust. I am trying to remember that I serve a faithful and good God. I do not consciously doubt that, but I have to fight the tendency to take the bull by the horns and make something happen. I've been making things work my whole life, so it is against my instinct to wait and listen for God's voice. I think that's maybe one of the battles with this culture. Our culture says plan, be responsible, plan some more, be productive. But God says follow me, wait for my mana and be content with what I give. I've been reading in the Old Testament about how the Israelites became discontent with the mana God had been faithfully providing while they were in the desert. So God sent meat for them, but it was followed by a plague for all those who ate the meat. I just wonder, am I craving God and therefore content with whatever He gives or do I want something other than God to fill me? I have always had a heart to help others, so adopting now or yesterday feels right. And my kids have always come first, so doing whatever it takes to do whatever is best for them has always been my resolve. But where I am being stretched is to simply follow Christ. Yes, Christ wants us to be his hands and feet. But more than that He wants us to get our strength and direction from Him. He wants to be our everything. There would be no point to the cross if we could pull ourselves up by our bootstraps and make this life work all on our own. So, that's where I'm at. How do I calm my mind and my busy schedule enough to hear God's voice right now? (This is not a rhetorical question!) How do you hear God's voice when life gets crazy and busy and overwhelming? I'd love the pointers!
So, let's start with the one that's weighing heaviest on my heart: adoption. I literally feel like I am on this emotional see-saw. We decided to take adoption classes through the state, which would put us on the path to adopt domestically. Most of the children available are older, which means they have either been in the foster care system for a while, had a tragedy occur later in life, or abuse was not reported until they were older. All of these scenarios are heartbreaking. And honestly, we worry a little about how some of these scenarios might play out with our biological children. We know that we cannot go into adoption only thinking of the child we are adopting. That would be naive. I hate even thinking that because they are the ones who have such a great loss, but that is the truth of it all. So we have thought about looking into international adoption. We are not guaranteed to get a child with less baggage if we adopt internationally by any means. The heartbreak behind their stories are equally, well, heartbreaking. They likely have parents killed from AIDS or starvation or from violence, or they were tossed aside like garbage because of some slight imperfection or they were raised in an orphanage with thousands of others and treated like a number rather than a child. No, the baggage here would be just as great, but there is something about the American culture that is a little unsettling for us. Sorry if that's offensive, but we choose to fight the uphill battle against raising our children in this culture. So, we talked and prayed and thought that we should heavily consider international adoption. But then I looked on the website that gives the bios of the kids in our system and fell in love with a handful of them. I sat there crying and praying over these children. And then I read about how girls in America who are in foster care are easy targets for child trafficking and that the average age for a girl to enter into "prostitution", if you can even call it that when they are just kids, is 13. (Yep, I wanna puke just thinking of that.) And then there are the finances. We have been paycheck to paycheck for our whole marriage. And with 3 children and growing it feels irresponsible to choose the more expensive route. But then there are grants and fundraisers and so many options. So all that to say, we are standing here undecided, not making any decisions while our future child(ren) are sitting in some sort of foster home/orphanage somewhere.
Next up: sending my 10 year old to private school. I hate even considering not homeschooling. This is kind of funny for me to say since I always state that we take homeschooling one year at a time. But I've grown to love having all of our children at home. I know that before I know it they will be grown and busy with their own lives and our work in raising them will be done. Plus, it makes me feel free to do other things. Sounds weird, but when I spend all day teaching them and playing with them and feeding them and raising them, I don't have as much guilt going on a date night or sending my oldest off to stay the night with a friend or even going to Haiti for a week. (Ok, the last one is going to be super hard, but I can do it!) And I absolutely love the idea of my oldest helping to teach his younger brothers. I have this picture in my head of us all sitting around learning together under a tree in this education Utopia. And even though it may never look like that, I'm ok with the reality that we can at least all sit under a tree and eat lunch together on a Thursday afternoon. The thing is, my oldest is easily distracted. And my middle son is starting to learn his phonics and basic math and how to write. So, when we are in our homeschool room coloring or playing phonics games, my oldest has a hard time getting his work done. And we are constantly trying different scenarios, but the fact remains that our home is loud and he wants to be where the noise is. But then my oldest gets frustrated very easily with his 4 year old brother and I think that holding onto my image of our education Utopia might be at the expense of my 10 year old having a good relationship with anyone in our family. Plus, he is so smart and I do not think I have the time and energy to push him to reach his potential. Sure, he's learning more than he would in public school, but public school was never our standard. His best has been our standard. So, we visited this school and bit by bit I became more and more at peace with the idea of him going there, but then our finances became uncertain. I prayed and prayed during those talks with and visits to this school. It just seemed like doors were opening for this to happen, and now it does not feel wise with all the financial uncertainties facing us. So I'm wondering, at what point do we step out in faith and at what point do we wait? I don't want to be like the Israelites who went on their own to conquer the Canaanites and got slaughtered. (Am I being dramatic?) Well, basically I don't want to jump into something without it being God's will for our life. I'm all about taking leaps of faith, but only with God. So here we are again, standing still, waiting. There is the verse about Christ being the lamp unto my feet and the light unto my path. We set out on these journeys trusting that God will light our path. But I must say, the moments of waiting to see what direction to go are hard!
Last up: Haiti. Now, there's not much for me to figure out with going to Haiti. I'm going and am super excited and super nervous, but know it will be amazing. Prayers for this trip are very welcomed! There is a small team of us going - just 3 women from Lakeland and a couple of men from a church in Clermont, so please pray that we will accomplish what we need to accomplish. We will be working with the children in our sponsorship program, and the men will be assessing construction needs and taking care of some details from the December trip. Also, please pray for my husband and children and all of their awesome caregivers who are stepping in to help with them while I'm gone. Especially pray for everyone's sanity as my boys are rambunctious!
I am trying in the midst of these anxiety filled moments to just trust. I am trying to remember that I serve a faithful and good God. I do not consciously doubt that, but I have to fight the tendency to take the bull by the horns and make something happen. I've been making things work my whole life, so it is against my instinct to wait and listen for God's voice. I think that's maybe one of the battles with this culture. Our culture says plan, be responsible, plan some more, be productive. But God says follow me, wait for my mana and be content with what I give. I've been reading in the Old Testament about how the Israelites became discontent with the mana God had been faithfully providing while they were in the desert. So God sent meat for them, but it was followed by a plague for all those who ate the meat. I just wonder, am I craving God and therefore content with whatever He gives or do I want something other than God to fill me? I have always had a heart to help others, so adopting now or yesterday feels right. And my kids have always come first, so doing whatever it takes to do whatever is best for them has always been my resolve. But where I am being stretched is to simply follow Christ. Yes, Christ wants us to be his hands and feet. But more than that He wants us to get our strength and direction from Him. He wants to be our everything. There would be no point to the cross if we could pull ourselves up by our bootstraps and make this life work all on our own. So, that's where I'm at. How do I calm my mind and my busy schedule enough to hear God's voice right now? (This is not a rhetorical question!) How do you hear God's voice when life gets crazy and busy and overwhelming? I'd love the pointers!
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
The Adoption Journey Begins!
We had our first adoption class last night. Well, it was technically orientation. We are going into all of this so blindly. There were so many forms to fill out. Do you have excessive debt? Um, can we talk about this one later? What kind of dog do you own? A very sweet pit bull. How many extra beds do you have? None. Give the names and social security numbers of everyone living in your home. Oiy! Yes, this is all definitely blind faith. Sometimes I am tempted to say, no, now is not a good time. We have about nothing in savings and don't really know how we pay our bills some months. We don't technically have the room for another child, but have ideas on some possibilities to fit in another child or two if we can just save some money to pay for that. I'm fine with not having much and learning how to get creative to pay the bills. I enjoy not having cable. I love giving to the charities we give to faithfully and holding everything else loosely. I love that my kids love their dog (even though her stinkiness and stubborn disposition drive me a little nuts most days.) I think it's character building to tell my kids that we can't have certain things because it is not in our budget. I am pretty open with our finances, so they know that we spend about half of our grocery budget on fresh organic fruits and veggies so that they will be healthy and that we live on a tight budget so that I can stay home and home school them. Well, maybe the 10 year old knows that. The little ones don't care if we go to the park or to the place that costs money, but they'll get the picture one day. But when you try to explain all of this on a form that asks specific questions, is easy to doubt and to just wait until all is in order. I have to remind myself that God's word is a lamp for my feet and a light on my path (psalm 119). He sometime reveals just enough for me to take the next step. All I need to do is follow Him and trust that He will guide (as if that's so easy for a control freak like myself). It may not be the easiest path that He takes me on, but it will be the best one. I am about to research how to install dry wall. Yes, this is all so character building!
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Anxiety!
We got a letter in the mail the other day asking us to confirm that we will be starting our adoption classes, so I sent my email confirmation. A few days later, I received an email back confirming my confirmation. It was short and sweet, but it made me a little giddy and nervous and some other feeling that I just can't pinpoint. It's like a sad anxiousness. I think the email made it feel a little more real. We are really starting this process. We are really going to add a 4th child to this crazy mix. We really have a child out there waiting on us. We really will be responsible for raising and loving and molding and teaching 1 more human being. And there it is, that sad anxiousness. Sad because we really have a child somewhere waiting to feel that unconditional love that comes from a mom and a dad. I cannot even imagine the emotional struggles they have or the lies that Satan is just feeding him or her. And anxious because I doubt myself so much!
When you grow a baby in your womb and birth the baby and nurse the baby every 2 or 3 hours for a year and cuddle him close and swear to never let anything bad happen to him and give him the world and then the terrible twos hit and you get impatient or yell or aren't so kind when they misbehave, that's one thing. Not that it's ok to have those moments of not so great parenting. But you know that they know that they are loved and you know that they have never gone without and you know that they believe you when you tell them that you are sorry because you are broken and need God's grace just like they do. But when a child comes into your home filled with the lies that they were unwanted or not good enough or unloved or I don't even know what else, how does God's grace cover my imperfections? I mean, theologically I know that His grace does. I know that only His love heals any of our wounds and that it is only His grace that draws us to Him. But emotionally, I think that I am so unworthy to raise any of these children. What if I don't love well enough? What if I make the brokenness worse? What if I feed more lies to this child? Oh, doesn't this sound a little narcissistic? I know that I'm not the end all, but this is where I have such a hard time trusting God. See I know how many times I've had to get back up on the horse. I know how ugly and selfish I can be. But I also know how much my heart yearns for all children, especially my own - even the one(s) I haven't met. And so I'm left feeling anxious.
I started trying to think of scripture that would help me see that God is sufficient and that it's ok that I'm not perfect, but I couldn't even think of where to start. I've been reading through the Old Testament and how are Job, who is stuck in his self loathing (although I can't blame him), and Abraham, who keeps passing his wife off as his sister, and Lot, who fathers his grandchildren, going to teach me about how sufficient God is? I think that thought and it hits me because it's so obvious. Job was restored and healed. Abraham is the father of God's chosen people - the line that Christ came from! Lot was protected and rescued from the destruction of Sodom. And they all had some pretty major imperfections. But they loved God and sought God and God chose them. Yes, that is the key. I have been chosen by God. But not just chosen to go to heaven one day (which is amazing) or even just chosen to be loved and restored by my Heavenly Father (which I am so unworthy of), but I have been chosen to go and make disciples. I have been chosen to be the good Samaritan. I have been chosen to love my neighbor as myself. I have been chosen to work in Christ's amazing Kingdom and to be a part of His plans!
And it does not matter how many times I fail because I am just a lowly servant pointing these children to Christ. It will not be my love that will heal them and restore them and teach them about the stuff of eternity. It will be Christ who does all of that. There are so many unknowns. I don't know how to prepare or what to do. But I do know, from the wise words of Jill Briscoe, that the doing comes from the being. The only way I can do anything right, the only way I can love well and parent well and make my life point them to Christ is if I exist in Christ. Isn't that all any of us can really do?
When I start thinking about the "what if's" and how to deal with them in my own strength, I spiral. What will the sleeping arrangements be? How will we afford to modify our den into a bedroom? What if we find siblings? Will we have room for them? Are we supposed to be putting our energy into international adoption instead? Will all of my family treat our new child(ren) with as much love? Should I stop spanking all together? What if our adopted child doesn't want to be home schooled? Oh, and it can get crazier in my mind. But when I begin to realize that I serve a God who is ALL sufficient, who does not need me, but invites me to be a part of His work, I begin to walk in faith and to love a little more patiently and a little more kindly and a little more confidently because I am living out of Christ. And that is an amazing thing.
When you grow a baby in your womb and birth the baby and nurse the baby every 2 or 3 hours for a year and cuddle him close and swear to never let anything bad happen to him and give him the world and then the terrible twos hit and you get impatient or yell or aren't so kind when they misbehave, that's one thing. Not that it's ok to have those moments of not so great parenting. But you know that they know that they are loved and you know that they have never gone without and you know that they believe you when you tell them that you are sorry because you are broken and need God's grace just like they do. But when a child comes into your home filled with the lies that they were unwanted or not good enough or unloved or I don't even know what else, how does God's grace cover my imperfections? I mean, theologically I know that His grace does. I know that only His love heals any of our wounds and that it is only His grace that draws us to Him. But emotionally, I think that I am so unworthy to raise any of these children. What if I don't love well enough? What if I make the brokenness worse? What if I feed more lies to this child? Oh, doesn't this sound a little narcissistic? I know that I'm not the end all, but this is where I have such a hard time trusting God. See I know how many times I've had to get back up on the horse. I know how ugly and selfish I can be. But I also know how much my heart yearns for all children, especially my own - even the one(s) I haven't met. And so I'm left feeling anxious.
I started trying to think of scripture that would help me see that God is sufficient and that it's ok that I'm not perfect, but I couldn't even think of where to start. I've been reading through the Old Testament and how are Job, who is stuck in his self loathing (although I can't blame him), and Abraham, who keeps passing his wife off as his sister, and Lot, who fathers his grandchildren, going to teach me about how sufficient God is? I think that thought and it hits me because it's so obvious. Job was restored and healed. Abraham is the father of God's chosen people - the line that Christ came from! Lot was protected and rescued from the destruction of Sodom. And they all had some pretty major imperfections. But they loved God and sought God and God chose them. Yes, that is the key. I have been chosen by God. But not just chosen to go to heaven one day (which is amazing) or even just chosen to be loved and restored by my Heavenly Father (which I am so unworthy of), but I have been chosen to go and make disciples. I have been chosen to be the good Samaritan. I have been chosen to love my neighbor as myself. I have been chosen to work in Christ's amazing Kingdom and to be a part of His plans!
And it does not matter how many times I fail because I am just a lowly servant pointing these children to Christ. It will not be my love that will heal them and restore them and teach them about the stuff of eternity. It will be Christ who does all of that. There are so many unknowns. I don't know how to prepare or what to do. But I do know, from the wise words of Jill Briscoe, that the doing comes from the being. The only way I can do anything right, the only way I can love well and parent well and make my life point them to Christ is if I exist in Christ. Isn't that all any of us can really do?
When I start thinking about the "what if's" and how to deal with them in my own strength, I spiral. What will the sleeping arrangements be? How will we afford to modify our den into a bedroom? What if we find siblings? Will we have room for them? Are we supposed to be putting our energy into international adoption instead? Will all of my family treat our new child(ren) with as much love? Should I stop spanking all together? What if our adopted child doesn't want to be home schooled? Oh, and it can get crazier in my mind. But when I begin to realize that I serve a God who is ALL sufficient, who does not need me, but invites me to be a part of His work, I begin to walk in faith and to love a little more patiently and a little more kindly and a little more confidently because I am living out of Christ. And that is an amazing thing.
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