Mother's Day

Today is Mother's Day. I usually have lots of different emotions and expectations. Seems silly and maybe a little petty, but that's usually the case. I guess the biggest emotional difficulty is the reminder that I lost baby #2 around this time 6 years ago. We were right at 12 weeks along and just feeling like we were in the safe zone when I started to miscarry. The emotional implications that spiraled as a result are for another day, but I usually spend a little time thinking about what that baby would be like and what our lives would be like if we hadn't lost our 2nd child. And then there is the juggling of the weekend. I always want to spend some alone time with my mom for Mother's Day, but don't want to neglect my mother-in-law. I end up feeling pulled in a zillion different directions and spend mother's day with a forced smile feeling like someone is getting left out.

But this Mother's Day is a little different. Maybe my priorities have shifted. The beginning of my planning for this weekend started with thinking of possible fundraising opportunities for my trip to Haiti. That's never been a part of the equation. And then I started thinking about how we haven't hung out with our boys at the foster home in a while, so there was another twist. So this year, we hung out with my in-laws last night after picking blueberries yesterday morning (which will be used to sell more jam!), and I will finally watch Hunger Games with my mom this afternoon after eating lunch at the foster home. I think this will be the perfect Mother's Day weekend. And honestly, this is the first time I've thought about our 2nd child who we never got to meet. A small part of me feels a little guilty about this, but God's been teaching me a few things lately. I'm learning that our pain and disappointments are just a blip on the screen of life compared to the bliss of eternity with Him. I'm learning that it's not quite so important that I pick out the right card and spend the perfect brunch or dinner with my mom or mother-in-law on Mother's Day; it's more important how I love them all year long. And I'm learning that it's not the least bit important whether or not my children appreciate me as their mother, rather that I mother them well (oh, that one is still emotional, though).

Now, I definitely don't live out these lessons perfectly. I have my emotional crazy lady moments when  life feels too hard or I get some bad news about something. I'm still learning to make prayer my first response to problems. But prayer and peace comes faster these days. And the days of deciding my parenting based on what I didn't like about my and my husband's parents are slowly making their way to the past. Sure it's good to learn from others' mistakes. I definitely hope and pray that my children will be better parents than my husband and I are. But I would dwell on the mistakes of our parents, which distanced me from my family. I have slowly realized over the past almost 11 years how very much my mother loves me and my siblings. I have these sweet memories of laying on my mom's lap while she stroked my hair when I was a little girl, but my most vivid memories begin when I was around 8 or so. I have a ten year old who is a carbon copy of me, and boy do we have our moments. I've been thinking about how incredibly patient my mom was with me. I had the same know-it-all attitude that my son has, but she did not loose her cool nearly as much as I do. Sure, she wasn't perfect, but she would listen to my drama about my friends and boyfriends and she would hold in the frustrations when I took things out on her. She sacrificed so much to give us a consistent, loving childhood. And she didn't have the life partner that I do. My dad had his strengths and weaknesses, but the hard thing was that they just didn't see things eye to eye. I knew that their marriage was strained growing up, but she never belittled my dad to us. Sure, they argued and we could tell when mom was mad, but it stopped there. It's funny how you don't realize what someone else has walked through until you've experienced some of it yourself. There is so much that I will never completely understand about the difficulties my mom had, but I understand how much she had to die to herself to give us everything she could - safety, love, character, a sense of responsibility, a burden for others, compassion, and empathy. She was such a great model for us. I just hate that I didn't appreciate it as much when I was younger. And this realization helps me to know that I might not be appreciated very much right now either. Like I said, my 10 year old is a carbon copy of me. We butt heads all day long most days. I absolutely cherish the days when we don't have to have twenty conversations about respect and honor and obedience. I love when he can have a whole week without being put on restrictions. But, his hard-headed little self still needs molding. And molding is hard. So, when he doesn't appreciate me and my molding (which sometimes I don't do very well) then that's ok. I just stop and pray that God will take over with the molding and trust that He is creating a beautiful vase. And I do still have my littles who adore their mama. Sure, they might give me mini-strokes throughout the day, but they are the best cuddlers. Now, this has all very slowly translated into a deep appreciation for my mother-in-law. That relationship is a little harder. Not on the surface. She is a super sweet person and very easy to talk with. But, it's been hard to have that deeper trusting relationship with her. See, now as an adult, I can see my mom in me. I can understand why she would get upset about the food being left out or the sibling rivalry with my sister. She was concerned about my character and the woman I would become. But, I don't always understand why my in-laws want to spoil my children or why they get so paranoid about my kids' safety.  That's not really a part of me. But it is a part of my husband.
 And as I get to know them more and get to see the layers peel back, I get to see where that all comes from too. I get to see the unconditional love they have for my husband and my children and (I'm pretty sure) me. I get to see how they want to protect and nurture - even when the hard lessons might be what's best. I get to see how it pains them to see anyone they love in pain and how they, like my mom and now like me and my husband, have sacrificed so much to give us everything they can - coming to a new country, learning a new language while trying to learn how to be a good mom, and providing love, safety, and security to her boys while staying at home with them when they were young, but then working a very hard, demanding job as they got older (which she still works at today!).





So, now, this Mother's Day, I just want to enjoy being a mom. That's it - no more trying to please everyone or wanting some sort of appreciation. I look at the woman my mother is and figure that this molding I am a doing is also molding me. I love the person I'm becoming because of the sacrifices I've made. And honestly, they feel more like blessings than sacrifices. I get to have my hands in raising 3 men! And, maybe more importantly, I get to do it with the love and help and support of my sweet, amazing mom and mother-in-law. I am truly blessed!


Find out about the 1000 Moms Project and how you can bless other moms today!

A lamp for my feet.

"How sweet are your words to my taste, sweeter than honey to my mouth! I gain understanding from your precepts; therefore I hate every wrong path. Your word is a lamp for my feet, and a light on my path. I have taken an oath and confirmed it, that I will follow your righteous laws."  - Psalm 119:103-106. These words have been the theme of this season in my life. It started with learning to love God's words. I am so grateful that I decided to dive into His word because now, I daily depend on it to light my path.

See, He lights my path at my feet - with a lamp. I don't get to see very far ahead. So, I depend on that light. I squint and try to see further, but right now, I can't. And that is so hard. It is so very tempting to get anxious and frustrated or to feel inadequate. I wish I could come up with some master plan that would guarantee our family's safety and well-being. But there is no plan. My husband's job is very uncertain right now. We have to take things day by day, week by week. There is never a guarantee that he will even get a paycheck at the end of the week, but there is always a guarantee that our bank account will be close to 0 by the end of the week. I've been looking for a part time job to try to help build some savings, but I haven't had a ton of luck. See, I have been a stay at home mom for almost 5 years. That, evidently, is even a hindrance when trying to work at Starbucks. To add to that, I am not planning on changing my stay at home, homeschooling status, so that greatly limits the type of job I can get. I think I found a job at a restaurant - waiting tables a couple of nights a week. I wouldn't usually be thrilled to get back into the restaurant business, but the thought of money in savings makes me ecstatic.

Now, the really difficult side of this financial uncertainty is that our adoption process has come to a screeching halt. We have not done our home-study yet, but wouldn't pass it if we had. We cannot show that we are able to financially provide for another child at this point. I read blogs and articles and look at websites about the needs in this world. There are children being taken from their homes in Africa, there are 14 year olds in China who are getting put out on the streets because they age out of the system that young. There are babies getting herded into mental hospitals in Russia. There are children in America going from foster home to foster home, never knowing what it's like to be loved unconditionally. And I have felt for at least a year now that we have a child somewhere in one of these circumstances. We have a home and we have love and we have support and we will always figure out a way to meet all of our children's needs, but our hands are tied because things are too up in the air. I understand the system and the reasons why we need to know where our next paycheck will come from, but that doesn't make my heart break any less. I absolutely get sick thinking of one of my children - maybe my little girl, or another son who desperately needs to have a dad teach him about becoming a man, or a child whose soul is dying - living in some horrible condition. And all I can do is pray. I pray for their conditions and their caretakers and their hearts. I pray that they will know that they are loved because they are a son or daughter of a great King who has laid down His life for them. And then I pray that my next step will be one closer to stability so that the step after that will be closer to our child(ren).

Yes, it is hard to squint hard and see nothing. It is hard to trust and have faith. But this season is giving me just that. Faith in a loving, nurturing God. Faith in my Father who has plans for me and my children " plans to prosper us and not to harm us, plans to give us hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11) It is giving me a faith that is deeper and stronger than I have ever had. And it's all because I have no choice but to take the next step with Christ and to cling to Him rather than to map out my own plan and do it on my own. I guess I could choose to fret and worry and get frustrated, but that would change nothing. So I cover the worry with prayers and cling to my faith in Christ. And that is a beautiful (and difficult) thing.

Haiti - Days 2-5 (Finally!)

Well, it has been way too long since my last post about Haiti! I am so sorry! Life just went into full gear when I got home. Plus it took me a while until I started staying up until 2 am again. I literally wrote this in 4 different sessions because I kept falling asleep. So, here is the condensed version for days 2-5 of my trip to Haiti.
 

By Tuesday I felt at home in Haiti. I missed my kids and husband, but I was in love with this place. We had more of an agenda on Tuesday. Jennie, Angela, and I got to meet with some of the classes and teach them about what kids in America do. Jennie went to a school in Lakeland and taught them about Haiti. Then, those children wrote about themselves and gave pictures of themselves, their pets, and/or their families. The Haitian children listened to us share about American culture so intently. Then they wrote and drew about their likes and dislikes. We asked them questions that the kids in Lakeland asked. It was neat to hear how similar the kids are, but how different the cultures are. All the classes were so well behaved. After school we met with the teachers and found out that most of the children do not have books. On top of that, most of them also come to school hungry and are only fed 3 out of the 5 school days while at school. They have so many uphill battles, but try so hard. Of course there are the kids who just don't like school (they are kids.), but it was amazing to see how many obstacles some of these kids overcome just to get an education.

That evening we met a boy, Jean Marc, who goes to secondary school in Port Au Prince. He had met Jon back in December, so he was excited to meet me and to hear how Jon is doing. He makes baskets and sculptures and sells them. His mom came a little while later with some that he had for sale and we were able to buy our souvenirs. It was such a sweet time talking with him and learning about his family. He told me that his mom has 12 kids, but only 9 are still living. She helps him find rocks to carve. And she was all smiles. She just warmed my heart. We went down into the church where a movie was being shown. This was such a luxury for the people in Chaufford. Electricity is a luxury. After the movie, we served food, but ran out - as would be the case every night.



The next two days were super busy. We began passing out gifts to the children in the sponsorship program. We used this as a time to motivate the kids. The ones who were working hard got a little extra while the children who were slacking were given only a few items and reminded that being in the sponsorship program is a perk, not an entitlement. I was so glad that Jennie delivered the tough love because for one, she is amazing at it, and secondly, I would've caved. A lot of the kids do not have parents at home encouraging them to do their work and study. Some of the parents would rather have the extra help on the farm, but a lot just don't have the education themselves to know how to push their child. Jennie was definitely skilled at having the perfect balance of love and discipline. In fact, two of the students who were scolded came and sat with her at the worship service Wednesday evening. I think part of that is their culture though. Some of the parents may not know how to push their kids when it comes to school, but they definitely know how to teach their kids to honor adults. The kids know that part of being loved is to be corrected. I never saw any of the kids talk back or try to get out of being reprimanded. After we passed out the gifts to the sponsored children, we then gave clothes and school supplies to the other students and to adults in the community. It was so sweet being able to give our sweet kids their gifts face to face. Both Julien and Maceline were so precious. They did not have an ounce of entitlement, but were so grateful for anything we gave them. In fact, most of the kids were that way. I absolutely loved my role of giving stuff away.

Thursday afternoon, a few of us went on a short hike to Gary's house (one of the boys from the school). He ran in ahead of us to pick up his room. He then took us on a tour of his tiny, but clean and beautiful house. It had two bedrooms and a dining room, complete with a chicken tied to a chair. The kitchen was outside, which is normal since they have to build a fire to cook on. There were plantains cooking. He then took us a little further up the mountain to show us where his dad and 2 sisters are buried. Literally half of his family has died. He, his mom, and another sister are still living. He had me take a picture of him and his dad, well, his dad's grave. He seemed to be at peace with his loss. He has a step-dad and seemed to care for him a lot. People get sick and die often in this little community. It is so heartbreaking that these children know death so well.

When we went back down the mountain, the boys held onto our arms to make sure we didn't lose our footing going down the steep path. I was so impressed with them. Wednesday and Thursday night both consisted of worship services, passing out dinner, and a dance party, but Thursday blew me away. The church was packed Thursday evening. This was probably because we also passed out dry food to send home. An early dinner was served and then another after the dry food was passed out.


And that is when I experienced my first food mob. We didn't have a system for passing out the food, so everyone just came up to get some. When people got to the food, there was no way for them to get out. Everyone was pushing and squeezing their way to the food. I had to brace myself against the crowd to shelter this one little girl who was trying to eat her food. I told her to just stay in front of me and eat instead of trying to get through the crowd. So many people were not able to eat that 2nd meal, but that did not stop them from staying for the dance party. I think some people stayed all night long. We left around midnight to go to bed, but I heard the music playing until at least 2:30 am and then heard people talking around 4 or 5 am. I love how much they embrace life. They work hard and pray hard and worship hard and party hard and know death and loss too often. They live with such an eternal perspective.

We woke up early Friday morning to head out to Port Au Prince and my heart was so heavy. I had this emotional roller coaster going on inside my heart. I hated leaving but couldn't wait to see my family. Still ahead was the trip down the mountain and our stay in this super nice hotel in the city. It was all so surreal. At the hotel, I just sat there looking over the balcony wondering how this could all be. How could we be in this amazing paradise of a hotel when people are starving to death just outside its walls? How could the people who spend their lives farming and providing food for this country die of diseases that we have cures for in America while there are mansions just down the road? I kept thinking that I just have to have an eternal perspective too. Only in eternity will any of this make any sense. I read the beatitudes: Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God. Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God. Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. This is what's real. This is what my friends who live on a mountain in Haiti experience. They must know these truths. How else would they be filled with so much joy? How else would they be able to keep moving forward? We think that we have so much to offer, but we have just as much to learn. We are blinded here in America. Most of us live in an illusion. We think we are immune from death and hurt, but we are not. The cross should remind us of that. My prayer is that I will hold tight to the truths that I've seen. Truths like I am a part of a much bigger reality that revolves around Christ's mission, not myself. Christ is not limited by poverty, or disease, or death because He has overcome those things. Hurt does not change who Christ is or what He's done, it just points to how much we all desperately need Him.

Haiti - Day 1

This first day felt like a week's worth of experiences and emotions. We woke up at 4 am and headed to the Ft. Lauderdale airport. I actually kept forgetting that we were on our way to Haiti. The morning felt so normal for a trip in America. As our plane approached Haiti, it began to sink in. I was gripped with amazement at the magnificence of the island. Mountains soared up out of the ocean into the clouds. As the plane turned, I could see the glittering of a city nestled into an inlet. The mountains seemed to wrap themselves around this city, almost as if protecting it. But as we came closer, I began to notice a blanket of buildings just stacked up on top of each other covering the base of the mountain. Cars crammed the streets and tents were plopped down in the midst of the chaos of this city. No, this city was not protected. It was filled to the brim with people barely surviving. The drive through the city confirmed this. The streets were lined with vendors who set up little stands right outside the walls of more profitable businesses. They were trying to sell anything from produce to used auto parts to random nick knacks. And there was a smell to the air. It was a mixture of garbage, cooking, and waste. There was no trash system so trash was piled up on the sides of the streets. We would occasionally turn down a street and see locals sweeping the trash to a pile, giving us a glimpse at the work ethics that infiltrated this culture. Animals roamed looking for scraps and so did some of the people if they didn't have anything to sell. As we made our way up the mountain to Chauffard, the towns became smaller and smaller with more farms. We passed farmers farming along the side of the mountains. We passed goats, cows, pigs, and other animals tied up and grazing. We passed rubble from the earthquake. The road got bumpier and scarier as we climbed higher and higher and eventually turned to gravel and rock. We went through clouds and kept climbing. And as we climbed the view got more and more breathtaking.

We arrived in Chaufford around 1:00, just 5 hours after our plane landed. The kids were in school, but I doubt the last hour of their day was very productive. We said quick hellos to some of the adults standing outside and then got settled in the bunkhouse. We were the first group to use the bunkhouse and it was such a blessing. We went back down to the school to observe a little and talk to the teachers. My sweet Maceline (the little girl we've sponsored for a year now) saw me before I saw her. She was sitting there with her eyes so big and a big smile on her face. I got to say a quick hello and give her a quick cuddle. It was perfect. We left and had a meeting to get our bearings. At some point the ladies in the village brought us a pot of noodles with fish in it. My first Haitian meal was exquisite! By the time we were done meeting and eating, the kids had finished school. Some of the kids came back after they changed out of their uniform to play. We got out a football, but they quickly used it to play soccer. We also sang songs and had them teach us some Creole. Julien, our other sponsored child, was there leading the game of football/soccer. He flashed a big smile when he learned that I am "Madame Jon". He is so sweet and respectful and smart. I instantly saw why Jon was drawn to him and wanted to make sure we could help him finish school. We had a worship service that evening. I was blown away at how wholeheartedly the people worshiped. Hands were lifted in praise, voices sang out loud and emotional, and "Amen"s echoed through the building. By the end of the worship service, we were exhausted. We went to bed, but I couldn't sleep. I just lay there amazed at all that I had seen this first day. There are so many needs here, but the people are absolutely amazing. The kids are so respectful. They played like kids. They didn't try to act all grown up, nor did they care about their clothes or who had what. They just laughed and played and were so excited to have new friends to meet. And the adults were so hospitable. The men rushed out to help with our bags, the women cooked for us, and they were all so welcoming at church. I am truly humbled by these people. I am now convinced more than ever that our tv's and our facebook and our busyness takes so much away from our lives. Maybe not for everyone, but for our culture at large. I finally fell asleep but part of me didn't want to. I wanted to hold on to the feeling I had forever. I know that when I go back home, the realities of life that are so evident in Haiti will start to fade.

Haiti and Kony and What's Important

I am leaving for Haiti tomorrow. I should be giddy or nervous or something, but I find that I'm more focused than anything. There are still some loose ends and this world just keeps moving. My plan was to have all clothes washed and put away, all dishes washed and put away, all bathrooms scrubbed, all floors cleaned, and everything dusted so the house won't (hopefully) be too gross for my kids and babysitter by Thurs or Fri, but clothes keep getting dirty and so do dishes and I've yet to keep all the toys off the floor, much less mop it. So, we will see how that all goes. Yes, life does not halt for my agenda I suppose. So, I'm just focused on getting done what I can. And there should be some focus on Haiti - like learning the language or fasting or something, but aside from some intentional prayer time, that's not as much of the case as I'd like it to be either. See, my family life is not the only thing that keeps going. The rest of the world does to. There are friends to see and homeschooling to do and news to read. And I'm finding my heart drawn towards the most recent wave of news - Kony.

I saw the video Wednesday afternoon and by Wednesday night, I had come across a blog criticizing Invisible Children. The blog post definitely got me upset, but the comments were just a bit outrageous. And there were a ton of them. American after American explaining why the video had too much of an Indie feel or justifying why we should just stay out of it or how Invisible Children spends money on salaries and transportation costs. Really? There are thousands of children getting abducted and raped and mutilated and turned into drug infested killing machines, and we want to debate traveling costs? Oiy. Yes, it is wise to research an organization before sending them money, but we can still spread the word without it costing a penny. I have a ton more to say about it, but the dirty sheets on my children's beds are beckoning me. So, I would encourage you to read this blog to give you something to think about. And if you haven't seen the Kony video yet, I would encourage you to watch it here and at the very least spread the word. And if you want to justify being a complacent American, I would like you to read this. And if you want to debate whether or not we should get involved, feel free to comment, but know that I will not reply for a week as I will be in Haiti, hopefully loving on our sweet sponsor children and making some new friends. And finally, if you'd like to pray for my trip and my family while I'm gone, please do!!! In the meantime, I will try to keep my focus on what's important - not the dishes and the sheets and the floors, but the people I get to minister to and the kids I get to meet and the lives I have the opportunity to impact. Maybe we should all try to keep our focus on what's important?

What are we made for?

So I realized something about myself. I am on the crazy cycle. I heard a quote once that reminds me of myself. It goes something like: Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I'd like to thank my sweet friends who talk me through my anxieties. I realized, I have my anxieties because I fail to embrace the same truth that is constantly getting re-revealed to me. What is that truth? The truth is that the single most important thing is worship. Funny thing is I just read this on someone else's blog a couple of days ago. I read it and thought, "Sounds good, I guess." and then kept reading. See, worship is one of those churchy words that we tend to pass over - or at least I do. It doesn't mean singing like so many churches often elude to. Worship (as defined at Dictionary.com) is "reverent honor and homage paid to God or a sacred personage, or to any object regarded as sacred." See, we were made for God. We were made in His likeness and are His creation and are meant to worship Him. Now, it is through that worship that other purposes are revealed, like loving our children and spouse well and serving others and caring for the widows and the orphans and doing unto the least of these. But it all starts with worship. My husband and I were talking about the Lord's Prayer and he mentioned the part that says "Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven." He was talking about a sermon he heard on the importance of bringing God's kingdom to earth. But then I realized that before that part it says, "Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be Thy name." His name is hallowed, meaning holy or sacred. We need to first acknowledge just how sacred God is before we can be a part of His kingdom coming to earth. So, in the busyness of this season, I can only see and hear God when I stop and worship Him. period. I cannot use God as a means to some end. God himself has to be the end. Now, I'm not saying that I am going to simply pray and sing and meditate all day. No, truly worshiping Him means carrying out the commands God gives us in His word.  We honor God by loving well and by living out the example He set before us, but only when we make it all about God.  When we exalt our actions or our choices or our character, even when they are good, we take the focus off of God. So, when I make my focus my kids or our adoption process, I stop worshiping God and start worshiping my kids and the fact that we are adopting. The song below has been a great reminder that I am made for God. I hope you enjoy it! (If Christian music is not your niche, I'd like to encourage you to go to youtube and read the lyrics below the video.)

The chaos in these moments

Do you ever feel like your head is spinning and you just can't make any decisions? That's where we are at right now. All of the life changes have come to a sudden halt. We aren't planning on staying stopped, like deer in the headlights. At least I'm not. I don't even know what my husband is thinking at this moment. That's how much chaos we are living in right now. We haven't even finished a conversation about all of our life changing decisions that need to be made. Since I haven't written in a while or maybe you are new here, let me catch you up to speed. We decided to adopt. Then we started thinking about sending our oldest son, who we've been homeschooling for three years, to private school. And finally, I am leaving for Haiti in a week. That's all. I think this is going to be where I use my blog as my not so private therapy session. I hope you don't mind. :)

So, let's start with the one that's weighing heaviest on my heart: adoption. I literally feel like I am on this emotional see-saw. We decided to take adoption classes through the state, which would put us on the path to adopt domestically. Most of the children available are older, which means they have either been in the foster care system for a while, had a tragedy occur later in life, or abuse was not reported until they were older. All of these scenarios are heartbreaking. And honestly, we worry a little about how some of these scenarios might play out with our biological children. We know that we cannot go into adoption only thinking of the child we are adopting. That would be naive. I hate even thinking that because they are the ones who have such a great loss, but that is the truth of it all. So we have thought about looking into international adoption. We are not guaranteed to get a child with less baggage if we adopt internationally by any means. The heartbreak behind their stories are equally, well, heartbreaking. They likely have parents killed from AIDS or starvation or from violence, or they were tossed aside like garbage because of some slight imperfection or they were raised in an orphanage with thousands of others and treated like a number rather than a child. No, the baggage here would be just as great, but there is something about the American culture that is a little unsettling for us. Sorry if that's offensive, but we choose to fight the uphill battle against raising our children in this culture. So, we talked and prayed and thought that we should heavily consider international adoption. But then I looked on the website that gives the bios of the kids in our system and fell in love with a handful of them. I sat there crying and praying over these children. And then I read about how girls in America who are in foster care are easy targets for child trafficking and that the average age for a girl to enter into "prostitution", if you can even call it that when they are just kids, is 13. (Yep, I wanna puke just thinking of that.) And then there are the finances. We have been paycheck to paycheck for our whole marriage. And with 3 children and growing it feels irresponsible to choose the more expensive route. But then there are grants and fundraisers and so many options. So all that to say, we are standing here undecided, not making any decisions while our future child(ren) are sitting in some sort of foster home/orphanage somewhere.

Next up: sending my 10 year old to private school. I hate even considering not homeschooling. This is kind of funny for me to say since I always state that we take homeschooling one year at a time. But I've grown to love having all of our children at home. I know that before I know it they will be grown and busy with their own lives and our work in raising them will be done. Plus, it makes me feel free to do other things. Sounds weird, but when I spend all day teaching them and playing with them and feeding them and raising them, I don't have as much guilt going on a date night or sending my oldest off to stay the night with a friend or even going to Haiti for a week. (Ok, the last one is going to be super hard, but I can do it!) And I absolutely love the idea of my oldest helping to teach his younger brothers. I have this picture in my head of us all sitting around learning together under a tree in this education Utopia. And even though it may never look like that, I'm ok with the reality that we can at least all sit under a tree and eat lunch together on a Thursday afternoon. The thing is, my oldest is easily distracted. And my middle son is starting to learn his phonics and basic math and how to write. So, when we are in our homeschool room coloring or playing phonics games, my oldest has a hard time getting his work done. And we are constantly trying different scenarios, but the fact remains that our home is loud and he wants to be where the noise is. But then my oldest gets frustrated very easily with his 4 year old brother and I think that holding onto my image of our education Utopia might be at the expense of my 10 year old having a good relationship with anyone in our family. Plus, he is so smart and I do not think I have the time and energy to push him to reach his potential. Sure, he's learning more than he would in public school, but public school was never our standard. His best has been our standard. So, we visited this school and bit by bit I became more and more at peace with the idea of him going there, but then our finances became uncertain. I prayed and prayed during those talks with and visits to this school. It just seemed like doors were opening for this to happen, and now it does not feel wise with all the financial uncertainties facing us. So I'm wondering, at what point do we step out in faith and at what point do we wait? I don't want to be like the Israelites who went on their own to conquer the Canaanites and got slaughtered. (Am I being dramatic?) Well, basically I don't want to jump into something without it being God's will for our life. I'm all about taking leaps of faith, but only with God. So here we are again, standing still, waiting. There is the verse about Christ being the lamp unto my feet and the light unto my path. We set out on these journeys trusting that God will light our path. But I must say, the moments of waiting to see what direction to go are hard!

Last up: Haiti. Now, there's not much for me to figure out with going to Haiti. I'm going and am super excited and super nervous, but know it will be amazing. Prayers for this trip are very welcomed! There is a small team of us going - just 3 women from Lakeland and a couple of men from a church in Clermont, so please pray that we will accomplish what we need to accomplish. We will be working with the children in our sponsorship program, and the men will be assessing construction needs and taking care of some details from the December trip. Also, please pray for my husband and children and all of their awesome caregivers who are stepping in to help with them while I'm gone. Especially pray for everyone's sanity as my boys are rambunctious!

I am trying in the midst of these anxiety filled moments to just trust. I am trying to remember that I serve a faithful and good God. I do not consciously doubt that, but I have to fight the tendency to take the bull by the horns and make something happen. I've been making things work my whole life, so it is against my instinct to wait and listen for God's voice. I think that's maybe one of the battles with this culture. Our culture says plan, be responsible, plan some more, be productive. But God says follow me, wait for my mana and be content with what I give. I've been reading in the Old Testament about how the Israelites became discontent with the mana God had been faithfully providing while they were in the desert. So God sent meat for them, but it was followed by a plague for all those who ate the meat. I just wonder, am I craving God and therefore content with whatever He gives or do I want something other than God to fill me? I have always had a heart to help others, so adopting now or yesterday feels right. And my kids have always come first, so doing whatever it takes to do whatever is best for them has always been my resolve. But where I am being stretched is to simply follow Christ. Yes, Christ wants us to be his hands and feet. But more than that He wants us to get our strength and direction from Him. He wants to be our everything. There would be no point to the cross if we could pull ourselves up by our bootstraps and make this life work all on our own. So, that's where I'm at. How do I calm my mind and my busy schedule enough to hear God's voice right now? (This is not a rhetorical question!) How do you hear God's voice when life gets crazy and busy and overwhelming? I'd love the pointers!