"Here we are."

I'm noticing some ripple effects from Jon's trip to Haiti. They are little things that could be easy to miss, but I'm trying to pay attention to the little things during this hectic time in our lives. The biggest little thing is that we haven't argued since Jon got home. Not once. I think I've gotten frustrated at something not being picked up once or twice and did my cleansing sigh, but that's been it. But it doesn't stop there. There are more hugs and cuddles and kisses these days. There's less complaining and exhaustion and more embracing this life and these boys - even in the moments that are hard and when we feel lost.

I didn't expect all of this. I thought he'd come back and we'd continue to pull up our boot straps and get to the work that God's called us to. We have adoption classes and are now committing to church on Wednesday nights and we desperately want to see the boys at the foster home once a week. But with that trip came some perspective and some faith that we as a married couple have never experienced. And I didn't even experience it first hand. But Jon has this way of communicating with his eyes. He is reflective and doesn't over react and is very steadfast. So, when he tells stories about the women bringing water so that they - the Americans - can flush a toilet, or about the guy with the bone disease sharing Christ with him, the one who came to share Christ, or about pouring sanitizer on another guy's open wound who doesn't react to the sting of that, or about the kids in the city playing in filth, then I feel like I'm there and that I can feel the weight of it. He misses them and can't wait to go back and I can feel his loss.

And so now I'm finding joy in our every day because we have begun to realize - to really realize with our hearts and our habits and our emotions, not just our heads - that life is much more than the here and now and the chaos and the desire for perfect parenting and a tidy home and constant integrity at work. And Jon is coming home from work eager to get back to what's real and important. Of course his job is important. It is the means by which we eat and have shelter and can give to others. But it's only important on a temporal level. He's now eager to get back to the things of eternity. He lights up when he sees the boys and is more patient in his discipline. No matter how tired he is from his hectic days at work, he wants to be present and to get back to the simple things that matter most. I keep thinking that this contentment won't last. It never does. But part of me knows that there's been a real shift. We are walking on holy ground. Just like Moses, who was just doing life and tending sheep, we were just fumbling our way through this life. But God showed up and His presence made this place holy. And then He spoke, and all we did was say, "Here we are." And He's taking us, who are ill equipped and ill prepared and full of doubt, to be a part of His plans.

Jon and I are easily tempted to try to take the reigns again. We started trying to strategize about ministry. But God whispered, "Just be there." We started to question and wonder what strengths we have and what we should try to focus on as we move forward with certain plans. But God whispered, "Just have a willing heart." I know we will mess up, like Moses did. And I doubt that we will be remembered like Moses or be a part of something as huge as Moses was. But that doesn't matter. It just matters that we are privileged to be a part of what God is doing. It matters that I have been able to speak truth to my 10 year old and watch his heart soften in those moments. It matters that I have been able to fill my 4 year old with confidence and self worth. It matters that I have been able to set good boundaries for my 2 year old while still embracing the remnants of babihood that's left. It matters that Jon was able to look into the eyes of those Haitian men and call them a friend. But mostly it matters that we have learned to say "Here we are, Lord."