Hi friends. I haven't blogged in a while. It's good to be back and get at least some of these thoughts that are swirling around out. This has been a season of uncertainty and confusion. I think God's telling me one thing, but then circumstances change and I feel uncertain. (More about that later though.)
Well, one lesson that I am certain that God is teaching me is to scale back. I feel called to scale back my busy schedule and to scale back my spending and to scale back my list of things I need to do to be a good mom and make good memories for my kids. I need less of this world and more of God's. And God's world is a world where the last are first and the rich are poor and people drop their dreams and ambitions and their entire livelihood to follow Jesus.
The living out of this lesson has manifested itself in different ways. For one, I try not to overbook myself for the week anymore. Sure there are the occasional busy weeks, but generally speaking, we do not do more than 2 field trips in a month or more than 3 outings in a week. I get stressed trying to fit everything into our schedule and my stress comes out on my kids, so it's just not worth it. Another thing I've done is to stop buying new stuff. Yep, if I can't find it second hand or if I can't make it, I have to seriously reconsider whether or not I "need" the item. And the third thing I've done is to try to be more intentional about how I express my faith and what traditions our family associates with the holidays (Holy days!) we celebrate.
This last thing is what I wanted to expound on tonight in light of the Holiest of days that we will be celebrating tomorrow. I have to admit that I didn't put too much thought into Easter this year. We have been fairly inconsistent about going through our 2 week Easter Devotional. I don't think we even read through Christ's crucifixion! (Please don't judge.) Part of the reason is because we've been blessed with a sweet newborn in our home. One of my closest friends, her toddler, and her husband (well, he's here on the weekends) has been with us for a few months while their family is transitioning to another town - right at the end of her pregnancy! Their little girl was born a week and a half ago, so we've been soaking in having a newborn in our home. I have to say that I am going to be one unhappy camper when they finally get settled into their new home.
Anyway, as Easter was getting closer and closer, my husband and I began to question the whole Easter bunnies, eggs, and over commercialized Easter that we see all around us. We started talking about what we didn't want to do, but had no idea what we did want to do. Luckily, some amazing friends of ours jump-started our road to building more meaningful Easter traditions by having a Passover meal at their home. This was a precious time of meeting new people, learning more about rich biblical history and traditions, and some fun fellowship. We couldn't walk away from that night and then do our normal Easter baskets filled with too much candy and too many toys followed by an Easter egg hunt. That just did not compare to the richness that we just experienced. But, I wanted my family to rejoice and celebrate Jesus' resurrection. So, the brainstorming began and we finally landed on something. It still doesn't feel as rich, but we hope that it will be fun and filled with meaning. And now, what you've all been waiting for, our magical Easter celebration will be . . . a scavenger hunt. I know, it doesn't sound so grand. But there is meaning behind it and it should be fun. Below is the list of items and their meaning.
Water - Jesus showed how to be a servant leader by washing His disciples' feet
Sugar Cookie - Jesus' body, which was broken for us
Grape Juice - Jesus' blood, which was shed for us
A Flower - Jesus fervently prayed in the Garden of Gethsemane for the cup to be taken from Him
String - Jesus was whipped and beaten before being crucified
Thorn or stick - A crown of thorns was placed on Jesus' head to mock Him
Nail - Jesus' hands and feet were nailed to the cross
Cross - Jesus was crucified on a cross to atone for our sins
Jellybeans - Jesus was placed in a tomb and a big stone was rolled in front of the grave
Empty container - After three days, Jesus' tomb was empty
Balloons - Jesus rose from the grave! He conquered death! Time to celebrate!
Our dinner will not be a big to do - fish, rice, veggies, and salad. We will have a yummy dessert and a day spent with people we love, but overall, we will reflect on how Christ has redeemed us. The true change in our tradition is simply that we will reflect more on Christ's love for us than on the things our culture says is important. I'm not sure if this scavenger hunt idea will stick. Maybe it will grow and develop over the years or maybe it will flop. I just want my children to know that we are celebrating Christ's resurrection, not new life or baby animals or spring.
My prayer is that these holy days will be a time for Christians to reflect on Christ's life, example, death and resurrection. When we make holidays about the toys or food or clothes we miss the message that Christ came to spread. We end up not honoring Christ at all, but instead put our focus on the things of this world that He warned us about. This scavenger hunt is just one idea of how you can celebrate Jesus' resurrection. Really, pulling out a board game or having a party or doing anything else that you would do to celebrate would honor God. I just want to encourage you to not get caught up on the dress and the ham and the presents, but to make memories and traditions that will truly honor God. Happy Easter!
Saturday, March 30, 2013
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Lessons Learned in Haiti
So I came back from my 3rd trip to Haiti about three weeks ago. It was a short trip with a small group of us. And, like the other two times, it was eye opening. There were only 5 of us who went from the states and we were only in the village for 3 1/2 days. I went into the trip a little nervous. I knew that Hurricane Sandy had come through and wiped out crops. I knew that people in Chauffard were affected. I didn't know what they were going to need or whether or not it would feel like we were incapable of helping. But I got there and was amazed (as usual) at the strength and resilience of the people there. What we heard was true - crops were washed out, land was ruined, and food was lost. A people already in the midst of a famine who already eat only once a day had even more hardships thrust upon them. But you wouldn't know it by being with them. They welcomed us with open arms ready to serve and worship. They spent every night praising God. Sure, we were able to cook and feed them meals, but they stayed well past mealtime. My bead-making girls came during the weekend and brought me a ton of necklaces - an average of 40 each! The teachers spent their weekend meeting with us to discuss the progress of the students. And the ladies who cook for us were constantly fetching water, cooking, and cleaning. So, when my friend Jennie and I were called up on the second night of worship to share in the service, we looked at each other dumbfounded. What could we possibly share with these people who grasp living for eternity much more than we do? During my other two trips, we were called up to say hi on the first day and then called up again to say bye on the last day. We had already said hi, so what more was there to say? We are not the pastors. However, during my other two trips, there were male American pastors who would also share. I suppose Jennie and I were called up again because we were the only Blancs (white people) on this trip. There were no male pastors to share the gospel. So, we walked up with our bibles. While Jennie talked I just kept thinking about Matthew 25. That chapter has been penetrating my heart and my life over the past couple of months, specifically verses 31-46:
I felt God saying that the least of these are His sheep too. We do not feed, quench thirst, invite people in, clothe people, look after the sick, or visit people only for them to stay in a cycle of destitution. We do for the least of these to draw them to Christ and to teach them the truth about His love. And His love does not stop with salvation. It transforms us. It gives us new, everlasting life. We are blessed and we receive His inheritance when we allow Him into our hearts and lives and allow Him to transform us. How could I not speak this truth to these hard working amazing brothers and sister? Aren't I, one of God's sheep, called to lead others to the great Sheppard so that they can have the privilege of leading even more sheep to Him? The good news is not only that Christ died for us but also that He transforms us and gives us a life of meaning filled with sacrifice and partnering with Him in His mission. We have the privilege of dying to self so that we can be released from the chains of our sin and our selfishness and live a life of freedom in Christ. How could I go and help the least of these only to let them become goats rather than sheep following the good Sheppard? So, I shared this passage and I spoke about how we do not come to them simply to bless them, but to share Christ and His truth. I shared that His word says that anyone who knows Him is to go out and share and give. That dying to self is a calling to all Christians and that when we die to self, then we experience life in its fullest glory and are able to take our inheritance. I got some blank stares and a big grin from Jonathan, my pastor friend who was translating for me, so I think it was good.
The next night we were called up again. (Talk about feeling inadequate!) So, once again, I prayed that God would give me something to share and once again He brought me to Matthew 25. This time I read verses 14-30:
I shared how I saw most of the village take what God had given them and multiply it. I saw mothers and fathers loving their children well and raising them up in the Lord. I saw teachers giving of their whole lives to the children and the community. I saw children taking care of each other and helping their families while trying to study and learn so that they can finish school. I saw women coming up the mountain with barrels of water at the crack of dawn and cooking food well past 10 o'clock. But, I know that we are human and sinners and that the temptation to care only for self and live a life of fear that leads to hoarding is great. I shared that in America we are fearful of losing anything - our lives, our loved ones, and even our status and our belongings. We are this way because as we acquire more we hold it tight at the expense of our spiritual well being. And then I shared that my prayer is that they will take whatever it is that God has given them and use it to multiply His kingdom. I pray that they will not become a people that acquires more stuff in order to live an easy life that ends up Godless, but instead will be a people who are blessed so that they will bless others. I pray that they will give and love unconditionally and that they will be a light to their community and their country. I know that this was not the typical lesson that is shared to a people who already goes without. But it is the God's truth. We can never acquire anything more precious than God's love - a generous, compassionate, steadfast love.
When I came home from my trip and got thrust into Thanksgiving busyness and the Christmas season, I became antsy to share on here what I shared in Haiti. I scan through facebook posts and listen to people talk and watch commercials and listen to my Christian radio station and talk to family members and I hear a constant theme. I hear people who are turning into goats. I hear people who are so preoccupied with getting presents or holding tight to their comfort or their traditions that they are not even considering the hungry or the thirsty or the naked or the sick or the lonely. I see people who fearfully cling to whatever they have because they can't stand the thought of not giving that perfect gift or their kids being picked on for not having some new toy that they do not dare risk loss in order to multiply God's love. And then I see people who are hungry and thirsty and naked and sick and lonely and are chained to that. They are not released to know the fuller love of Christ that says take whatever you have and multiply it - even if it's just one little penny or 5 minutes of your time or a smile to a stranger or some cookies to your neighbor. See, the fullness of the gospel - that through our salvation and love for Christ, we die to ourselves so that Christ can transform us into His likeness - is a little easier to learn when we are not so preoccupied with so many meaningless things. So, how can I look at my facebook friends or my family who seeks the perfect gift for my kids rather than the richness of Christ or my brothers and sisters who know about God's saving grace, but not His transforming grace and not share these truths?
Maybe you relate and need to change your holiday traditions? Maybe you need to stop buying those perfect gifts and start giving to the least of these? If so, check out this video and consider contributing to this or to another local charity that pulls on your heart string. It's ok to start small, but start somewhere. Our spiritual health is at risk.
31 “When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit on his glorious throne. 32 All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. 33 He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left.
34 “Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. 35 For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36 I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’
37 “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38 When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 39 When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’
40 “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’
41 “Then he will say to those on his left, ‘Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. 42 For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, 43 I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.’
44 “They also will answer, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?’
45 “He will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.’
46 “Then they will go away to eternal punishment, but the righteous to eternal life.”
I felt God saying that the least of these are His sheep too. We do not feed, quench thirst, invite people in, clothe people, look after the sick, or visit people only for them to stay in a cycle of destitution. We do for the least of these to draw them to Christ and to teach them the truth about His love. And His love does not stop with salvation. It transforms us. It gives us new, everlasting life. We are blessed and we receive His inheritance when we allow Him into our hearts and lives and allow Him to transform us. How could I not speak this truth to these hard working amazing brothers and sister? Aren't I, one of God's sheep, called to lead others to the great Sheppard so that they can have the privilege of leading even more sheep to Him? The good news is not only that Christ died for us but also that He transforms us and gives us a life of meaning filled with sacrifice and partnering with Him in His mission. We have the privilege of dying to self so that we can be released from the chains of our sin and our selfishness and live a life of freedom in Christ. How could I go and help the least of these only to let them become goats rather than sheep following the good Sheppard? So, I shared this passage and I spoke about how we do not come to them simply to bless them, but to share Christ and His truth. I shared that His word says that anyone who knows Him is to go out and share and give. That dying to self is a calling to all Christians and that when we die to self, then we experience life in its fullest glory and are able to take our inheritance. I got some blank stares and a big grin from Jonathan, my pastor friend who was translating for me, so I think it was good.
The next night we were called up again. (Talk about feeling inadequate!) So, once again, I prayed that God would give me something to share and once again He brought me to Matthew 25. This time I read verses 14-30:
14 “Again, it will be like a man going on a journey, who called his servants and entrusted his wealth to them. 15 To one he gave five bags of gold, to another two bags, and to another one bag,[a] each according to his ability. Then he went on his journey. 16 The man who had received five bags of gold went at once and put his money to work and gained five bags more. 17 So also, the one with two bags of gold gained two more. 18 But the man who had received one bag went off, dug a hole in the ground and hid his master’s money.
19 “After a long time the master of those servants returned and settled accounts with them.20 The man who had received five bags of gold brought the other five. ‘Master,’ he said, ‘you entrusted me with five bags of gold. See, I have gained five more.’
21 “His master replied, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!’
22 “The man with two bags of gold also came. ‘Master,’ he said, ‘you entrusted me with two bags of gold; see, I have gained two more.’
23 “His master replied, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!’
24 “Then the man who had received one bag of gold came. ‘Master,’ he said, ‘I knew that you are a hard man, harvesting where you have not sown and gathering where you have not scattered seed. 25 So I was afraid and went out and hid your gold in the ground. See, here is what belongs to you.’
26 “His master replied, ‘You wicked, lazy servant! So you knew that I harvest where I have not sown and gather where I have not scattered seed? 27 Well then, you should have put my money on deposit with the bankers, so that when I returned I would have received it back with interest.
28 “‘So take the bag of gold from him and give it to the one who has ten bags. 29 For whoever has will be given more, and they will have an abundance. Whoever does not have, even what they have will be taken from them. 30 And throw that worthless servant outside, into the darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.’
I shared how I saw most of the village take what God had given them and multiply it. I saw mothers and fathers loving their children well and raising them up in the Lord. I saw teachers giving of their whole lives to the children and the community. I saw children taking care of each other and helping their families while trying to study and learn so that they can finish school. I saw women coming up the mountain with barrels of water at the crack of dawn and cooking food well past 10 o'clock. But, I know that we are human and sinners and that the temptation to care only for self and live a life of fear that leads to hoarding is great. I shared that in America we are fearful of losing anything - our lives, our loved ones, and even our status and our belongings. We are this way because as we acquire more we hold it tight at the expense of our spiritual well being. And then I shared that my prayer is that they will take whatever it is that God has given them and use it to multiply His kingdom. I pray that they will not become a people that acquires more stuff in order to live an easy life that ends up Godless, but instead will be a people who are blessed so that they will bless others. I pray that they will give and love unconditionally and that they will be a light to their community and their country. I know that this was not the typical lesson that is shared to a people who already goes without. But it is the God's truth. We can never acquire anything more precious than God's love - a generous, compassionate, steadfast love.
When I came home from my trip and got thrust into Thanksgiving busyness and the Christmas season, I became antsy to share on here what I shared in Haiti. I scan through facebook posts and listen to people talk and watch commercials and listen to my Christian radio station and talk to family members and I hear a constant theme. I hear people who are turning into goats. I hear people who are so preoccupied with getting presents or holding tight to their comfort or their traditions that they are not even considering the hungry or the thirsty or the naked or the sick or the lonely. I see people who fearfully cling to whatever they have because they can't stand the thought of not giving that perfect gift or their kids being picked on for not having some new toy that they do not dare risk loss in order to multiply God's love. And then I see people who are hungry and thirsty and naked and sick and lonely and are chained to that. They are not released to know the fuller love of Christ that says take whatever you have and multiply it - even if it's just one little penny or 5 minutes of your time or a smile to a stranger or some cookies to your neighbor. See, the fullness of the gospel - that through our salvation and love for Christ, we die to ourselves so that Christ can transform us into His likeness - is a little easier to learn when we are not so preoccupied with so many meaningless things. So, how can I look at my facebook friends or my family who seeks the perfect gift for my kids rather than the richness of Christ or my brothers and sisters who know about God's saving grace, but not His transforming grace and not share these truths?
Maybe you relate and need to change your holiday traditions? Maybe you need to stop buying those perfect gifts and start giving to the least of these? If so, check out this video and consider contributing to this or to another local charity that pulls on your heart string. It's ok to start small, but start somewhere. Our spiritual health is at risk.
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Swimming in His Treasures
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| This particular coffee is very good, is fair trade, and helps support my friend's adoption. Buy some here! |
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| Check out this organization to see how you can make your Christmas more meaningful here! |
But it is so hard to even see that because our culture - especially our American Christian culture that exists in our churches and communities - tells us a different story. We are told that we need safety and security. We need to do something good and prestigious. We need the house and the cars (yes plural) and the new Easter outfits. We need to look out for #1 and make sure we have a nice retirement plan, 4 months worth of income in savings, and a college fund for each child. Our kids need to do music lessons and sports and dancing and scouts. We can't miss out on all this life has to offer. And our kids especially cannot miss out. After all, what kind of parents would we be if we didn't give them the world? But the problem with this way of thinking and living is it is not biblical. Luke 12:22-34 says:
22 Then Jesus said to his disciples: “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. 23 For life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. 24 Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! 25 Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life[b]? 26 Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?
27 “Consider how the wild flowers grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 28 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you—you of little faith! 29 And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. 30 For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them. 31 But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well.
32 “Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom. 33 Sell your possessions and give to the poor. Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will never fail, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys. 34 For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.
Did you notice that Christ told us that God will feed us and cloth us better than He does the birds and the flowers and that we will be given His kingdom?! So, we will be well fed, well clothed, well taken care of, and then we will inherit God's kingdom! And why? Just because it pleases our heavenly Dad! And then, did you notice what the kingdom looks like? When we are in God's kingdom - the one where we are infinitely provided for; the one that is owned by our Father who owns this whole world and everything in it - we have the privilege of selling our possessions and giving to the poor! We are given the privilege of sifting through our junk and keeping the treasure! I can picture walking into God's kingdom (the one that I, his adopted daughter did nothing to deserve or build or contribute to. It's just there in all its grandeur and God just invited me in) clinching my sack of stuff that I felt that I had to bring with me because it felt safe and familiar, and my new, perfect Dad saying "Go through it all. It's yours. Take what you'd like." I walk through the rooms and go through the closets and get to keep everything and anything that's of value. And then I look at my bag of stuff and see that I've been holding tight to junk, so I get to toss it. And what am I left with? The most glamorous, eternal gifts! I am left with children who I was able to give my heart to and friends I was able to love and support and mouths I was able to feed and hope I was able to be a part of passing on and lives I was able to save and hearts I was able to speak into and truths I was able to speak over the destitute. When God is blessing us, He is helping us to see our junk for what it is, and is showing us that there is this eternal treasure that we get to swim in! And the saddest thing to me is that so many of us miss this! We are told that God will provide for us plus give us infinitely more than we could ever hope or imagine and we, in our pride and ignorance, say, "Oh, but I've got my treasure here. I'm good. Thanks though, God." And it is a pile of junk. It is an old decrepit house and a rusty car and some career that we think is our purpose in life. And they all looked so new and sparkly and treasure-like when we got them, but it was fools gold because over time, they just needed to be replaced with more junk and more junk until we've accumulated a life lived in a junk yard. And why do we hang on to this pile of junk and miss out on living a rich, luxurious life? Fear. Katie Davis tells the perfect story to illustrate the American Dream (or the American Fear):
Once there was a people who surveyed the resources of the world and said to each other: "How can we be sure that we will have enough in hard times? We want to survive whatever happens. Let us start collecting food, materials, and knowledge so that we are safe and secure when a crisis occurs." So they started hoarding, so much and so eagerly that the other peoples protested and said, "You have so much more than you need, while we don't have enough to survive. Give us part of your wealth!" But the fearful hoarders said, "No, no, we need to keep this in case of an emergency, in case things go bad for us too, in case our lives are threatened." But the others said, "We are dying now, please give us food and materials and knowledge to survive. We can't wait . . . we need it now!" Then the fearful hoarders became even more fearful, since they became afraid that the poor and hungry would attack them. So they said to one another, "Let us build walls around our wealth so that no stranger can take it from us." They started erecting walls so high that they could not even see anymore whether their enemies were outside the walls or not! As their fear increased they told each other, "Our enemies have become so numerous that they may be able to tear down our walls. Our walls are not strong enough to keep them away. We need to put bombs at the top of the walls so that nobody will dare to even come close to us." But instead of feeling safe and secure behind their armed walls they found themselves trapped in the prison of their own bombs, wondering if they might harm themselves more than their enemy. And gradually they realized their fear of death had brought them closer to it.
She got it. At 18 or 19, Katie Davis got that the junk that we think we need is just a distraction from being able to live a full meaningful life. We believe the lie that we can plan well enough and work hard enough to prevent going through hard times. But while we accumulate this false security, we not only build a wall that enslaves us, we take away from the rest of the world. So, we have to ask ourselves, "Do I want to provide purses for myself that will not wear out and treasures in heaven that will never fail or do I want to spend this one life accumulating junk, enslaving myself into this prison of false security, and ultimately bringing myself closer to eternal death?" The truth is that you can leave your junk yard! You can acquire an exciting, meaningful life filled w/ the richness of Christ!
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Food
The first month, she fasts food. Not all food. She only allows herself 7 items to eat throughout the whole month. She went through caffeine withdrawal, had to figure out how to eat while traveling, and experienced lots of moments of intense temptation. So, on August 1st I started my food fast. (It just sounded too fun to pass up!). I changed mine up a bit. We get weekly produce bins, so I decided to allow myself anything from my produce bin + chicken, eggs, and millet bread. I am only using salt and pepper for seasoning and can use olive oil to cook with. Yep, no coffee, no butter, no pastries, no well, no a lot of things. I thought about doing this a different month because this month is my birthday month, but then I realized it would be easier to do something like this right after getting back from Haiti. And I think that considering my friends on the mountain with no Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts, no Yogurt Mountain, no ovens for their grandmas to bake cookies in, no Subway or Chick-fil-A or a cazillion other restaurants to choose from has helped me cope with my food cravings some. They just have their little outside kitchens with a wood pile to cook on. They cook whatever meat or produce they got from their farms or from the nearest market. They butcher their chicken or goats, they cook their dried beans for hours, they harvest and chop and prepare their food all by hand.
Well, by the end of the first couple of days, I decided that I hate this fast. It is not the least bit fun. I have realized a few things about myself. 1. I use food for comfort, especially coffee. 2. When I don't have my comfort food, I am cranky. 3. I get jealous about what other people eat and secretly plot against them when they have the comfort foods I am craving - even if it's my own children. I've gotta say, millet bread with no butter is rather dry and I'm tired of my chicken tenderloins for lunch and dinner every day. I am so incredibly grateful for all the potatoes I have left over from a previous produce bin, or I doubt I'd ever feel full. And my lack of coffee started out great because I so intentionally weaned myself, but after only getting 5 hours of sleep one night, I started hating life. I actually took a nap in the middle of the day that day (I never take naps).
I get tempted to wallow in my self pity, but then, I think of my friends in Haiti who usually only eat one meal a day, and it is usually rice and beans. And then I think of the people in Darfur who sweep up the left overs off the market floor to form mud pies. They are eating just enough to not die of starvation, but they have probably never known what it's like to feel full. And forget about coffee or even clean drinking water. Their water is brown. It doesn't even look clear. It is just filled with all kinds of bacteria and parasites.
As I feel unsatisfied and lust after the Dunkin' Donuts my husband brings home or the banana bread my grandma made, or the cookies my children get at Publix, I will remember that I still have so much more than most of the world. And even though I do not have temporary access to my big mug of coffee, I do have access to my heavenly Father. Purging my junk may not be fun, but it is most definitely necessary if I want to allow God to move more in my life.
Check out this video about the people in Darfur:
Friday, August 3, 2012
My second trip to Haiti
I came back from my 2nd trip to Haiti this past weekend. It felt different this time. When we flew in, I wasn't overwhelmed with it's beauty like the first time. I mean, it was still breathtaking to see the mountains, but I felt like I was coming home. I felt a peace at the familiarity and an eagerness about seeing people who seemed to have a fuller picture of the importance of life. As we flew in, I was not filled with anticipation at whatever may lie ahead, but felt harmony with this place and these people who are not inundated with facebook and tweets and busyness. The trek up the mountain was still a little nerve wracking, but even that gave me a sense of peace because I knew the worse the roads got, the closer we were to our village. We arrived in Chaufford right in the middle of a wedding. There were not glares from guests because we interrupted the ceremony nor were we made to feel that we just ruined the bride's big day. Everyone just rolled with it.
But even in the midst of the peace I felt about being in Chaufford with these friends, I had a hard time. I came with a specific task - to teach some women to make beads. When I got there, I brainstormed with Jennie Ellis, one of the leaders of CPI, and we felt that it would be best to get girls in their late teens/early twenties to make the necklaces. Most of the older ladies have arthritis and a lot of the moms really don't have time to make beads. Plus the girls we were considering are in secondary school in the city, which costs their family a lot of money. We talked with a few girls and asked them to round up a total of 10 girls who would be responsible and would work hard. I told them I would teach them to make the necklaces and then we could sell them in America. They were very excited about it. Things were going in the right direction.
So, you are probably wondering why I had a hard time. I mean, all I had to do was make beads with ten teenage girls. But, if you know me well enough, you would know how much out of my comfort zone I was sitting with these girls. 1. I am not crafty or creative in the slightest. I am an inside the box thinker. I cannot conjure up images or patterns or fashion ideas in my mind. I put my clothes together in a formulaic fashion. I categorize and match colors and have such a hard time doing anything the least bit outside of the box. 2. I am a doer. I do not like to sit still. Laundry and dishes are the last chores I finish. In fact, I'll have vacuumed, mopped, dusted, and cleaned the bathrooms a few times before getting a basket of laundry folded. It's just hard for me to sit still. I always feel like I should be doing something. I've gotten so bad that I feel like I spend a huge chunk of my day walking in circles trying to decide what I should prioritize first. 3. I am not a girly girl. I do not paint my nails on a regular basis or even fix my hair very often. I loathe shopping and wear flip-flops almost every day. I have 3 boys and (aside from the noise) love it. I love watching them wrestle and jumping into tickle fights. I love that their version of dress up involves capes and guns. I love that my sons do not talk about who they will marry when they get older. So, you can see how making beads with ten girls is not my normal activity.
The first day I was supposed to meet with the girls, I woke up, went to our team meeting and then went to organize our room and get everything laid out. I "swept" the floor with a rag and had everything separated into piles. The girls were supposed to arrive at 10:00. I was ready by 9:45. (Yes, I was actually early!) By 10:30, I went looking for them. I didn't have to look far. Most of them were at Milo's house (one of the church leaders) right next to the church building. They were still waiting on a few girls to meet them there. So while we waited, they braided my hair and tried to teach me Creole. It was nice. I honestly cannot remember the last time I had someone brush or braid my hair. I could tell how sweet and mature these girls were, but I still felt way out of my comfort zone. Once the other girls got there, we headed to the church and I started our bead-making lesson. They learned quickly. I had to tweak a few of their beads, but they were naturals. However, they quickly began to make the beads their own. I kept handing them "pretty" paper and tried to get them to make beads all the same color and perfectly symmetrical. That did not bode well with them. Some of them made their beads from straight strips of paper instead of long triangles. Most of them used paper that looked plain and bland to me. But as they worked, I noticed how beautiful the beads were turning out. By Tuesday, we were stringing the beads and they did an amazing job combining colors and patterns. They had a knack for this creativity thing. But by Tuesday I was also feeling useless. I had been sitting in a room with teenage girls for 2 days, barely talking to them (because I don't speak Creole), and helping them make beads. The rest of the team was putting up walls to finish the upstairs and healing wounds in the clinic and leading huge groups of kids in English classes and VBS. I just went from girl to girl helping her make beads and not even speaking into her life. By Wednesday, I tried to stop our bead-making early so that I could go "do" something. But they wanted to keep making beads. I was getting so antsy.
But then I started to realize that maybe me sitting with these girls and helping them make beads was worthwhile. I think my realization came from the book I was reading. I was reading 7: An Experimental Mutiny Against Excess by Jen Hatmaker. I was on the chapter about Media. She was talking about how we are so inundated with media that our mental abilities are shifting. We brag about being able to multitask emailing and texting and work and phone calls, but really, we are losing the ability to dig deep and stay focused on long term goals. My girls were perfectly content sitting and talking and singing and making beads. They knew that the end goal is to help their family with their school expenses. They were very content fellowshipping with one another while they worked on their common goal. And I wasn't doing nothing. I was helping them. I was encouraging them and teaching them. When they felt uncertain about their beads or necklaces, they had me there to ask for help. After reading that section in the book, I decided to try to embrace my time with these girls. I couldn't ask them about their school or if they have boys in their lives. I couldn't tell them to stay away from the bad guys and to study hard because an education can make a life or death difference in their lives. But I could encourage them and help them and show them that I value them. Over the next couple of days, I found ways to laugh with them and tried to focus more on how to encourage them than on trying to hurry up so I could get busy.
On Thursday, we had to wrap up early because of the construction that needed to be done in the room we were working in. That morning, I decided to walk down to the water source with some other people, which meant I got back past our 10:00 (which normally meant 11:00) meeting time. I expected that they were going to just start to arrive when I got back, but found that they were already in our room working. When the construction guys told us they were almost ready for our room, the girls diligently finished up the necklaces they were working on. They wanted to have as many necklaces finished as possible. They ended up making over 100 necklaces. In one week! That was more than double what I expected. I was floored. I realized that their 1 week of work would help them pay for about 1/3 of a year of their schooling. That is huge. They each got a bag of supplies so that they could continue to work on the necklaces throughout the year. I am so excited about the skills these young ladies are learning and the ways our project can help their families. And, I ended up being able to "do" something after all. Once the construction was finished, I got to help sweep the upstairs to make it ready for the up and coming school year. I even got blisters!
In addition to our success with the necklaces, the CPI teams finished the upstairs to the school, we had amazing worship services every night (in which the Haitians way outlasted us tired Americans), Bernix (a Haitian-American who lives in Miami and is involved with CPI) provided food so that we could serve meals or pass out food to take home, Troyce (our nurse from Clermont) treated a cazillion patients, we held English classes and VBS every day, Kendall and Kenny (the two pastors) trained pastors, our teachers who went held teacher training workshops, we cuddled lots of sweet children, several of us were able to connect with our sponsor children, and every person on our team walked away impacted from the beautiful people of Chaufford. It was an amazing week.
On the way down the mountain, I noticed several houses not too far from Chaufford that I could totally see my family living in. Wouldn't it be amazing if God opened those doors?
But even in the midst of the peace I felt about being in Chaufford with these friends, I had a hard time. I came with a specific task - to teach some women to make beads. When I got there, I brainstormed with Jennie Ellis, one of the leaders of CPI, and we felt that it would be best to get girls in their late teens/early twenties to make the necklaces. Most of the older ladies have arthritis and a lot of the moms really don't have time to make beads. Plus the girls we were considering are in secondary school in the city, which costs their family a lot of money. We talked with a few girls and asked them to round up a total of 10 girls who would be responsible and would work hard. I told them I would teach them to make the necklaces and then we could sell them in America. They were very excited about it. Things were going in the right direction.
So, you are probably wondering why I had a hard time. I mean, all I had to do was make beads with ten teenage girls. But, if you know me well enough, you would know how much out of my comfort zone I was sitting with these girls. 1. I am not crafty or creative in the slightest. I am an inside the box thinker. I cannot conjure up images or patterns or fashion ideas in my mind. I put my clothes together in a formulaic fashion. I categorize and match colors and have such a hard time doing anything the least bit outside of the box. 2. I am a doer. I do not like to sit still. Laundry and dishes are the last chores I finish. In fact, I'll have vacuumed, mopped, dusted, and cleaned the bathrooms a few times before getting a basket of laundry folded. It's just hard for me to sit still. I always feel like I should be doing something. I've gotten so bad that I feel like I spend a huge chunk of my day walking in circles trying to decide what I should prioritize first. 3. I am not a girly girl. I do not paint my nails on a regular basis or even fix my hair very often. I loathe shopping and wear flip-flops almost every day. I have 3 boys and (aside from the noise) love it. I love watching them wrestle and jumping into tickle fights. I love that their version of dress up involves capes and guns. I love that my sons do not talk about who they will marry when they get older. So, you can see how making beads with ten girls is not my normal activity.
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| Me and my beautician |
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| My girls hard at work |
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| The finished product!! |
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| The water souce |
On Thursday, we had to wrap up early because of the construction that needed to be done in the room we were working in. That morning, I decided to walk down to the water source with some other people, which meant I got back past our 10:00 (which normally meant 11:00) meeting time. I expected that they were going to just start to arrive when I got back, but found that they were already in our room working. When the construction guys told us they were almost ready for our room, the girls diligently finished up the necklaces they were working on. They wanted to have as many necklaces finished as possible. They ended up making over 100 necklaces. In one week! That was more than double what I expected. I was floored. I realized that their 1 week of work would help them pay for about 1/3 of a year of their schooling. That is huge. They each got a bag of supplies so that they could continue to work on the necklaces throughout the year. I am so excited about the skills these young ladies are learning and the ways our project can help their families. And, I ended up being able to "do" something after all. Once the construction was finished, I got to help sweep the upstairs to make it ready for the up and coming school year. I even got blisters!
In addition to our success with the necklaces, the CPI teams finished the upstairs to the school, we had amazing worship services every night (in which the Haitians way outlasted us tired Americans), Bernix (a Haitian-American who lives in Miami and is involved with CPI) provided food so that we could serve meals or pass out food to take home, Troyce (our nurse from Clermont) treated a cazillion patients, we held English classes and VBS every day, Kendall and Kenny (the two pastors) trained pastors, our teachers who went held teacher training workshops, we cuddled lots of sweet children, several of us were able to connect with our sponsor children, and every person on our team walked away impacted from the beautiful people of Chaufford. It was an amazing week.
On the way down the mountain, I noticed several houses not too far from Chaufford that I could totally see my family living in. Wouldn't it be amazing if God opened those doors?
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
What to do with discontentment
I have a new job - waiting tables. Along with a new job comes new schedules, new expectations, new friends, and more stress. My husband and I knew that it would require more out of both of us, but it's one thing to know something and another to experience it. The stage was set for my heart to get hardened. After all, waiting tables in your 30s when you have a home to manage and children and a husband to tend to is a lot different than waiting tables when you are in your 20s. I started getting frustrated if I would come home at 11 pm to find the kitchen not fully cleaned up or when clutter started to accumulate more. I stopped thinking about my husband working all day to rush home and then deal with dinnertime, bath time, and bed time all by himself. And then I had a conversation with a fellow co-worker - that was the icing on the cake. I was talking with this guy who is married with daughters. We talk a lot because we are some of the few workers who are not in college and who have kids. He talks about his wife all the time, and it's super sweet. He brags about her cooking and her parenting skills. He boasts that she leaves dinner for him on a plate every night when he gets home from work. He talks about their roles and the things that they joke about. I adore it. Well, one day, he was talking about trimming trees and mentioned how heavy branches can be. I told him I knew because I had some branches almost fall on my head when I was trimming some trees. He asked why my husband was not trimming the trees and I said that I do a lot of our yard work. He joked about it being the man's job and I told him my husband had plenty of roles in our home, but deep down I felt disappointed. I started to envy this guy's marriage. He and his wife seemed to have their roles so clearly understood. Jon and I have struggled with what our roles should be from the beginning of our marriage. I began to fixate on what my husband didn't do. I stopped trying to fix dinner before leaving for work because "he needs to help!" (Yes, sometimes it was just because I am not a super mom and didn't have time, but my heart definitely needed some work!) I forgot about the fact that he would most likely be juggle the kids while finishing up his work and fixing dinner. I began to complain about what didn't get done instead of looking at what did get done. My discontentment began to fester.
As I began to realize this, my attitude started to shift. And then I noticed that there were so many other areas in my life where discontentment had been creeping in. I was discontent with our house and with our furniture. I had become discontent with my clothes and even with our healthy diet. How did I let my heart get so consumed with all these wants? Didn't I just get back from Haiti 4 months ago? Hadn't I vowed to not take anything for granted after seeing the joy my Haitian friends had in the midst of their hungry bellies and tiny homes and lack of electricity? But here I was hating my couch - which would not even fit in any of the homes that I saw in Chauffard - and wanted to change my wall decorations and was fixating on the color of my walls! And hadn't I felt convicted not so long ago once I realized that my buying habits enslave people? Yes, the fact that we eat off of paper plates almost every night and that I pick up cute little outfits for the kids (and sometimes me) from Target every couple of weeks causes people to remain in forced labor -some of them children. And here I am complaining that I just want some Kraft Macaroni and Cheese and some cuter accessories for my outfits. (Just a side note - all of this complaining was in my head so that no one could judge. Ha ha) I found out that my buying enslaves 70 something people, but I did nothing to change my life or my habits. I just felt sad but overwhelmed. I tried to comfort myself with lies like: I shop at Target, not Walmart (but still buy the items that are made from 10 year olds working 12 hour days!) And don't I complain about people like me?! Yes, discontentment fuels discontentment and it turns you into someone that is pretty ugly on the inside.
I had these realizations about myself but then went on with my life with a new list of ways I was discontent that centered around wanting to be more Christlike. I read through Judges and 1Samuel - which is all about how the Israelites were constantly discontent, turned away from God, became enslaved, and got rescued again, I cried over videos I would see on Facebook or blogs I would read about people who were sacrificing so much to serve, I watched a movie on child sex trafficking and learned how prevalent it is in my community, and my discontentment began to soar. I had to do something, but what?! And then, I butted in on some friends' conversation on facebook and learned about something called the 12x12 project they are starting - and they told me they would let me jump on board! The project deals with wearing one fair trade item each month for the whole month to help highlight the social issue it supports. During the month, we will raise awareness and funds to help with the issue. Really? Are you kidding me? As I read that first message describing this project, my heart quickened and I felt as if God Himself was speaking through that message. And then when we met about this it shifted and grew into so much more - how could we be bold, but not judgmental? how can we be disciplined in our faith? how can we simplify so that Christ is exalted? We talked about our hearts and the tons of social issues out there and how to not compromise. We did some scheduling and ate some homemade food and prayed. And I could sense that God is bringing at least some of the things in my life full circle. All these faith lessons He's been teaching me, all these convictions that I've had, all these things that break my heart are beginning to turn into action that will glorify Him! I do not need to wallow in my self centered discontentment nor do I need to sit and wonder what to do with my societal discontentment. I can live intentionally and encourage others to do the same. Check this project out on Facebook here or on Pinterest here and maybe you will find some small changes you can make that collectively can make a big difference.
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
A Gift
A couple of weeks ago, I was given a gift. My sweet friend brought me groceries. It may seem like an odd gift, but it was perfect. See, she (unknowingly) cracked this door to allow me to complain, so I let it all out. I vented about how stressful our finances have been and how hard it is to pay the bills and get the groceries when my husband's paycheck is consistently late these days. I complained about having to work my new part time job and whined about being a tired and impatient mommy. I closed with asking for prayer. She decided to pray and then some. She didn't come with a check or a gift card to go get groceries (although that would've been appreciated as well). No, she did my grocery shopping for me. And she didn't just pick up some cereal and Ramen noodles. She got probably at least $200 of gluten free organic yummy goodness that I would've bought for my own family. I'm talking free range chicken, Almond milk, quinoa pasta, and organic fruits and veggies. I did not have to do any grocery shopping for a week and a half and then only had to get a few things for specific recipes. She stocked us up. And it was soooo hard to accept.
See, I know that behind the late paychecks are also nights of just not feeling like cooking or date nights with a little too much splurging or forgetfulness when it comes to paying the bills. Yes, we choose to live paycheck to paycheck so that I can focus on homeschooling our children, and there are a lot of sacrifices we choose to make, but we've had our moments of being irresponsible. I'm sure they are not much worse than the average person's moments, but they exist and here I have my friend (who goes without plenty herself to answer the same calling of homeschooling her kiddos) who just took her kids grocery shopping for me and spent her money doing so. It was humbling to say the least. My first temptation was to pack up the food - most of it at least - and take it to someone who needed it more than we did. I mean, there are people starving. We were certainly not starving. And if we ever ran out of food completely and there was still no paycheck, we have a lot of family members who would help. So, there are people starving and alone. But, I heard this whisper from God saying, "No, just enjoy. I love you."
So, then I thought that this is God's way of teaching me. All of this - the late paychecks, the late fees, the waiting to go grocery shopping and getting creative with meals, the heated discussions about whether or not we should go bankrupt, and now this gift - are all ways that God is trying to teach me to trust Him. I hadn't been fully trusting Him. After all, I had too many nights of just getting pizza or Subway for dinner. I should be able to do better. And if I truly leaned on Christ, I could do better. I began to see the gift as almost a form of correction. I desperately want to help others. My heart aches for all the suffering people in this world. I am supposed to be able to help others, but instead, I needed help. I am supposed to willingly lay down my life for others, but instead, I complained at the first sign of struggle. I should do better. I know Christ and I know His promises. But throughout this thought process, I would faintly hear God whispering, "No, you have it all wrong. I just love you."
I wouldn't really listen to the whispers. I began fixating on why it is that I would need to use God's resources. I kept thinking about our child who we are supposed to be adopting and about the single mom with no one who can't feed her kids dinner and my friends in Haiti who eat one or maybe two meals a day. Guilt began to set in. I should have packed up the food and found someone else to give it to. I am not the destitute. There are others who needed it more than us. My friend didn't know about our splurges or that we have a huge support network here. If she had, surely she would've chosen someone else to bless. I started planning on how I would pay it back. I was calculating how much things cost and what I owed. I would pay it forward - tenfold. Yes, that would reconcile this. But the whispers began getting louder. "I have paid everything. You cannot do this in your own strength. You have not taken away from anyone - everything belongs to me. I create all the food and I just want to love you. Accept my gift."
Sigh. Why is that so hard? Maybe it's because I am such an independent perfectionist. It can really get ridiculous. Yes, this has been a lesson, but not the kind I thought. See, somewhere along the way, I lost sight of the fact that Christ died for me. He died because I would never be able to earn my way to Heaven or be good enough to have the Holy Spirit dwell in me. Acts 2:39 says "The promise is for you and your children and for all who are far off - for all whom the Lord our God will call." I am one who is far off. My family line is not Jewish, it is European. Christ died so that the whole world (including me) would be reconciled to Him. I used to read these verses and think that Paul or Luke or Peter were talking to me, but they were talking about me. See, I need Christ. Otherwise, I am hopeless. And He loves me enough to do something about my hopelessness. I have to really sit on that, which is a little embarrassing. Isn't this Christianity 101? Christ loves us and died for our sins. Yes, that is where our faith starts. Most Christians accept the Holy Spirit once they realize these truths. That's how it happened for me anyway. I remember listening to my youth pastor sharing his testimony and thinking, "I want to know God that intimately. I want to have a relationship with the God who sacrificed so much for me." I was so moved by the fact that Christ took on my sins. And each time I fell away from God, He would call me back and I would be even more moved that Christ took on even more of my sins.
But that is not where we stay as Christians. We begin to learn more and more about who God is and what truths He embraces. Without moving on to the realization that we are to first love God and then love our neighbors as ourselves, we do not experience the fullness of Christ. We receive His love and grace and mercy, we acknowledge the gifts He has poured out on us, and then we overflow with His love to the point that we have to share it. It's a beautiful thing. But I had left the first two truths behind. I stored them in my brain somewhere and began to focus on the pouring out to others. I knew that God does not want us to have a faith that is self-centered, but rather one that is God-centered. But, instead, I made my faith other-centered. Now, that sounds good, but the problem is that other-centered is not God-centered. My other-centeredness quickly turned to self-righteousness and burn out. Without focusing on God and holding onto the truths that He loves me and died for me, I became judgmental. I began to categorize Christians and look down on anyone who did not embrace my ideas of serving and dying to oneself. That's what happens when you do not exist out of the reality that God loves you and died for you - you become hard and calloused.
See, the gratitude that wells up is huge when you realize that without God's love and sacrifice you would be completely lost and hopeless. And then when you couple that with the knowledge that this God who loves you is the same God who created the universe and who owns the whole earth and everything in it, then you realize how much you will always have to depend on Him, not yourself or your own abilities or your job or your time management skills or anything else. You realize that those things are only God's gifts that could be taken away or that could shift into a different type of gift or whatever. There is no room for judgement or self righteousness when the truths you learn in Christianity 101 are so fresh and real. But when those truths start to fade into a how to guide, then there is room for all kinds of bad heart habits to form. See, if I've moved to the realization that I need to love my neighbor but don't first love God and receive His love and grace, I am acting out of my own will. God's goal is always about drawing our hearts to Him. When I act out of my own will, I do not depend on God and I begin to push Him out of the equation. So, sometimes God wants to use people to do acts of service to reveal himself or to minister to the destitute. But sometimes He just wants to love on His sons and daughters. See, every week, for the past couple of months we have been trying to balance our uncertain income. We tried to focus on God and to be grateful for what we have, but it's been stressful. I started working a part time job to help us get caught up from the financial strain all of this has caused and to help us pay for all the extras that come up when you're homeschooling 3 kids. When my friend brought me groceries, I hadn't seen the financial fruits of my job yet, but that first paycheck was coming soon. We would've been fine if she hadn't served us in that way. We would've just had another week or two of stress before it started to level out. But God chose to speak to her heart and relieve me of that stress. He chose to use this moment to remind me that He is my Abba Father and I am His daughter and all He wants me to do is to curl up with Him and just be. How am I to tell others about God's love and grace if I don't allow Him to lavish it on me? How am I to go and serve others if I have run out into the desert alone away from the living water? How can I love anyone if I do not accept God's perfect love and allow that love to flow out of me? I think the light finally went on when I watched Beth Moore tell this story about a man in an airport. I strongly encourage you to listen to it - whether or not you like Beth Moore. It just captures God's love for us. I am praying that we will all begin to realize how much our heavenly father adores us. Can you just imagine how much more we can spread God's love if we did?
See, I know that behind the late paychecks are also nights of just not feeling like cooking or date nights with a little too much splurging or forgetfulness when it comes to paying the bills. Yes, we choose to live paycheck to paycheck so that I can focus on homeschooling our children, and there are a lot of sacrifices we choose to make, but we've had our moments of being irresponsible. I'm sure they are not much worse than the average person's moments, but they exist and here I have my friend (who goes without plenty herself to answer the same calling of homeschooling her kiddos) who just took her kids grocery shopping for me and spent her money doing so. It was humbling to say the least. My first temptation was to pack up the food - most of it at least - and take it to someone who needed it more than we did. I mean, there are people starving. We were certainly not starving. And if we ever ran out of food completely and there was still no paycheck, we have a lot of family members who would help. So, there are people starving and alone. But, I heard this whisper from God saying, "No, just enjoy. I love you."
So, then I thought that this is God's way of teaching me. All of this - the late paychecks, the late fees, the waiting to go grocery shopping and getting creative with meals, the heated discussions about whether or not we should go bankrupt, and now this gift - are all ways that God is trying to teach me to trust Him. I hadn't been fully trusting Him. After all, I had too many nights of just getting pizza or Subway for dinner. I should be able to do better. And if I truly leaned on Christ, I could do better. I began to see the gift as almost a form of correction. I desperately want to help others. My heart aches for all the suffering people in this world. I am supposed to be able to help others, but instead, I needed help. I am supposed to willingly lay down my life for others, but instead, I complained at the first sign of struggle. I should do better. I know Christ and I know His promises. But throughout this thought process, I would faintly hear God whispering, "No, you have it all wrong. I just love you."
I wouldn't really listen to the whispers. I began fixating on why it is that I would need to use God's resources. I kept thinking about our child who we are supposed to be adopting and about the single mom with no one who can't feed her kids dinner and my friends in Haiti who eat one or maybe two meals a day. Guilt began to set in. I should have packed up the food and found someone else to give it to. I am not the destitute. There are others who needed it more than us. My friend didn't know about our splurges or that we have a huge support network here. If she had, surely she would've chosen someone else to bless. I started planning on how I would pay it back. I was calculating how much things cost and what I owed. I would pay it forward - tenfold. Yes, that would reconcile this. But the whispers began getting louder. "I have paid everything. You cannot do this in your own strength. You have not taken away from anyone - everything belongs to me. I create all the food and I just want to love you. Accept my gift."
Sigh. Why is that so hard? Maybe it's because I am such an independent perfectionist. It can really get ridiculous. Yes, this has been a lesson, but not the kind I thought. See, somewhere along the way, I lost sight of the fact that Christ died for me. He died because I would never be able to earn my way to Heaven or be good enough to have the Holy Spirit dwell in me. Acts 2:39 says "The promise is for you and your children and for all who are far off - for all whom the Lord our God will call." I am one who is far off. My family line is not Jewish, it is European. Christ died so that the whole world (including me) would be reconciled to Him. I used to read these verses and think that Paul or Luke or Peter were talking to me, but they were talking about me. See, I need Christ. Otherwise, I am hopeless. And He loves me enough to do something about my hopelessness. I have to really sit on that, which is a little embarrassing. Isn't this Christianity 101? Christ loves us and died for our sins. Yes, that is where our faith starts. Most Christians accept the Holy Spirit once they realize these truths. That's how it happened for me anyway. I remember listening to my youth pastor sharing his testimony and thinking, "I want to know God that intimately. I want to have a relationship with the God who sacrificed so much for me." I was so moved by the fact that Christ took on my sins. And each time I fell away from God, He would call me back and I would be even more moved that Christ took on even more of my sins.
But that is not where we stay as Christians. We begin to learn more and more about who God is and what truths He embraces. Without moving on to the realization that we are to first love God and then love our neighbors as ourselves, we do not experience the fullness of Christ. We receive His love and grace and mercy, we acknowledge the gifts He has poured out on us, and then we overflow with His love to the point that we have to share it. It's a beautiful thing. But I had left the first two truths behind. I stored them in my brain somewhere and began to focus on the pouring out to others. I knew that God does not want us to have a faith that is self-centered, but rather one that is God-centered. But, instead, I made my faith other-centered. Now, that sounds good, but the problem is that other-centered is not God-centered. My other-centeredness quickly turned to self-righteousness and burn out. Without focusing on God and holding onto the truths that He loves me and died for me, I became judgmental. I began to categorize Christians and look down on anyone who did not embrace my ideas of serving and dying to oneself. That's what happens when you do not exist out of the reality that God loves you and died for you - you become hard and calloused.
See, the gratitude that wells up is huge when you realize that without God's love and sacrifice you would be completely lost and hopeless. And then when you couple that with the knowledge that this God who loves you is the same God who created the universe and who owns the whole earth and everything in it, then you realize how much you will always have to depend on Him, not yourself or your own abilities or your job or your time management skills or anything else. You realize that those things are only God's gifts that could be taken away or that could shift into a different type of gift or whatever. There is no room for judgement or self righteousness when the truths you learn in Christianity 101 are so fresh and real. But when those truths start to fade into a how to guide, then there is room for all kinds of bad heart habits to form. See, if I've moved to the realization that I need to love my neighbor but don't first love God and receive His love and grace, I am acting out of my own will. God's goal is always about drawing our hearts to Him. When I act out of my own will, I do not depend on God and I begin to push Him out of the equation. So, sometimes God wants to use people to do acts of service to reveal himself or to minister to the destitute. But sometimes He just wants to love on His sons and daughters. See, every week, for the past couple of months we have been trying to balance our uncertain income. We tried to focus on God and to be grateful for what we have, but it's been stressful. I started working a part time job to help us get caught up from the financial strain all of this has caused and to help us pay for all the extras that come up when you're homeschooling 3 kids. When my friend brought me groceries, I hadn't seen the financial fruits of my job yet, but that first paycheck was coming soon. We would've been fine if she hadn't served us in that way. We would've just had another week or two of stress before it started to level out. But God chose to speak to her heart and relieve me of that stress. He chose to use this moment to remind me that He is my Abba Father and I am His daughter and all He wants me to do is to curl up with Him and just be. How am I to tell others about God's love and grace if I don't allow Him to lavish it on me? How am I to go and serve others if I have run out into the desert alone away from the living water? How can I love anyone if I do not accept God's perfect love and allow that love to flow out of me? I think the light finally went on when I watched Beth Moore tell this story about a man in an airport. I strongly encourage you to listen to it - whether or not you like Beth Moore. It just captures God's love for us. I am praying that we will all begin to realize how much our heavenly father adores us. Can you just imagine how much more we can spread God's love if we did?
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